MLCer and EA w/ OW

[Jer2911]

25yearsmlc -- You have no idea how much you have just helped me today with your two posts... Seriously, I was in a down mood earlier today, but just reading your posts that contained so many great reminders has really lifted my mood this afternoon.

Thank you!!!!

[Jer2911]

Just want to restate my appreciation for the very helpful posts today from everyone...

W came home early from work unexpectedly (at least to me -- she didn't tell me she was coming home early) and when she walked into the office I was able to act surprised, but not grumpy... Somewhat chipper, but not overly so and somewhat detached... If that makes any sense -- like I was in a good mood but not overly excited and able to be like "Oh, you're home early..." without making a big deal out of it. And then I just kept on working and doing what I was doing while she went up to the bedroom to work from home for the rest of the day.

On a related note, when she came in the house and then a moment later into the office, the music I was playing loudly in the office was one of Katy Perry's new songs called "Ghost" which is a rather upbeat after-the-breakup song about moving on...

And now I'm in a much better mood than I was earlier today... I feel really strong right now.

[Jer2911]

No earth-shattering updates right now... We've actually had a pleasant weekend with W treating me in a much more civil -- almost friendly -- manner. She's actually had a few moments where she's made jokes and small talk with me and that hasn't happened in a long time... Not sure why, but I'll take any breaks from monster that I can get...

Maybe it's me... I had a good GAL Friday and bought a few books to help me focus on things I want to focus on: spirituality, learning to meditate, and my own midlife transition... So maybe by buying the books and bringing these things to my conscious, I am putting out more positive energy around our house...

I know that's not enough to help my MLCer wake up or progress further through the tunnel -- but it certainly helps me right now. Especially the focus on my own midlife transition... I know that I am going through it right now -- and the catalyst for me may very well be my W's MLC (not sure, but a good guess) -- and I want it to be a transition rather than a crisis for me (and for the sake of our kids who don't need both parents going through major MLCs at the same time!)

A week from today she will leave on her "silent retreat" (which, if you've read the earlier posts, I've already confirmed is not a silent retreat but a vacation with OW) and I'm increasingly feeling at peace with all of this. 25yearsmlc really helped put some words to what I was beginning to feel and I am definitely not going to confront her about the trip or about the A -- none of that matters to me anymore. I now know in my heart that I can forgive the A and all of her actions over the past few months. She is on her own journey of discovery right now and I have to let her go. I am also on my own journey. I am also becoming increasingly faithful that God is working on all of this -- working on each of us as we go through our own journeys... I am also continuing to pray for a miracle, but staying grounded in reality as well.

My ultimate goal of course is reconciliation... and another goal related to that is that I hope my children will be able to learn how a couple can overcome some of the worst challenges and rebuild a better, stronger marriage.

If God has other plans for us, then my backup goal is to be a model of how an adult can overcome heartbreak/the end of a marriage and come out as a stronger, more resilient individual who is able to still have an open heart full of love for others.

Immediate goals -- maintain a PMA, GAL, keep doing 180s, and create more positive, warm, loving energy around our house/family so that all of us feel as comfortable around each other as possible now and in the future.

[Jer2911]

Something interesting that I've noticed...

When communicating with complete strangers (long story about how I know this...) she is very harsh about me and our relationship... Says things like:

- never really loved her
- have been trying to make it work for years (um, no, not if you haven't communicated to me that it was so bad that it needed that much work...)
- really dislike her now
- should have broken up years ago
- referring to me as GF instead of W

When communicating with family members and close friends:

- have just been unhappy for a long time
- love her as a person, but no longer in love
- she's a good person, great mom, etc. but...

So the tone is completely different depending on who she is speaking to about us. With people who know me, the tone is softer... With strangers, very harsh...

All of this is in complete contrast to her words, actions, and behaviors to me up until October -- all of which conveyed that she has continued to love me deeply and completely, and considered us to be married/wives, etc.

I know I can't psychoanalyze her, and I know that I need to not believe what she says and does right now... But I do find the change of tone interesting... She seems to seek out opportunities to share her current life drama with these complete strangers -- almost as if to use those communication opps for rewriting our history, convincing herself, and justifying her actions...

She continued to be nice to me throughout the weekend and even this morning a little bit... But I do notice that she is very "short" or uncivil with me when it is time for each of us to go to our separate areas of the house... Not sure if that's her anger at me over the fact that I'm still in the house (and occupying the master bedroom while she continues to sleep on the couch), or if it's an expression of some unconscious guilt/anger at herself... Whatever it is, it happens quickly -- she can be very nice one moment, but as soon as I say I'm going upstairs and goodnight Mr. Hyde comes out very quickly...

Not planning to do much with all of this information... Just noticing it and sharing it here.

My focus continues to be on me... I've started meditating in the mornings when I get up and continuing to pray/engage in a spiritual practice to help me gain more focus on what I need to be doing/learning/growing within myself.

And keeping those prayers going for the dream job :-)

[BklynMom]

Your post yesterday was amazing and so open and not angry. 25 has been known to give others similar advice and you have absorbed it and are living it better then most.

Either way we will be teaching our children amazing life lessons.

I am definitely a better mom then I ever would have been had the bomb never happened.

I am more open to my children becoming who ever they are meant to be.

Meditation sounds awesome. I keep saying I will do it ... One day.

Hang in there and I will keep sending out the message to the universe that you should get the dream job

[Jer2911]

BklynMom -- Thanks for the kind words...

I do find myself feeling anger at times, but I try to recognize it, acknowledge why I am feeling it, and then try to let it go because I feel that the anger eats away at the better parts of who I am and who I want to be now and in the future...

I'm on day 3 of meditation and am planning to stick with it to hopefully begin to feel the difference in my life over time. I got this great short book called "The Practice" that provides a very simple approach to meditating as well as using a few other easy techniques to stay more "present" during each moment of the day and a technique for reflecting and letting go at the end of the day. I am hoping that this is simple enough for me to incorporate into my life right now... It seems to be so far. :-)

Definitely want to live much more calmly and peacefully so I can be present and much more patient with my kids. They are picking up on the stress around us right now and I need to change my energy drastically in order to bring more peace into their lives right now.

As for the job... Hoping I can post an update this week about at least getting a call to go in for an interview!

[Jer2911]

Okay -- just went out on a limb and submitted an application for a very senior leadership position in our school district that was posted today on the district employment website... If I get this position I will be shocked because it's so far above the minimum level position that I would like to get at this time...

Still keeping my fingers crossed and prayers going for the other position, but just thought I'd put in this app as a way to emphasize my interest in returning to the district in a leadership position.

All prayers and positive energy/thoughts on this issue are GREATLY appreciated!

[Jer2911]

Ugh... Having a tough day right now...

W is still being very nice, but I know she is still deeply in Replay and looking forward to her trip. I think she's being nice and in a good mood because she knows she's going on the trip and will be with OW soon.

So it's hard right now because she was so upbeat with the kids this morning and friendly towards me, but I know that nothing has changed and she is still focused on separation from me and pursuing whatever she thinks she can have with the OW. (Which -- as I've explained before -- is crazy b/c OW is 20 years younger and lives in another country...)

I find this hard because when she acts the way she did this morning I can almost see the W I know and love coming through the layers, but I know that nothing has changed and that the behavior does not mean that she's waking up and willing to give us a chance to rebuild.

So frustrating and painful right now...

I need some good news on the job situation ASAP...

I need to figure out something to do this morning (work around the house, read, something) so I don't slide into a depressed mode and spend the morning feeling sorry for myself...

Oh how I hate MLC and what this has done to our family!

[BklynMom]

Have you ever gone to an alAnon meeting? Those meetings and these boards were my savior right after bomb. I'm sure in l.a. There are day time meetings that you can do once the kids are in school. The meetings are free so that made it easier for me to attend.

I also did a lot of yoga after the bomb and that was great for getting me out of the house and out of my head but didn't help me meet people like alanon.

[Jer2911]

I have not ever gone to one of those meetings, but I can understand how it would be a great place to meet people locally...

I ended up deciding to do some reading and then a friend of mine reached out to me via Google Chat and I have been spending some time telling him what is going on here at home (we haven't touched base since before BD -- so he is shocked by the news)...

Talking to him helped a bit -- as did the reading which I am going to get back to in a few minutes before I break for lunch... Then I am heading up to school for a school activity in my son's class... then back home to do some of my online teaching work before I have to go back and pick up the kids from school.

After chatting with my friend this morning I also feel ready to begin sharing the news with a larger network of friends who still don't know -- these friends are not close to us... They are more like colleagues/work friends, but we don't actually work together -- just work in education and know each other from online interaction (blogs, social networking) and attending/presenting at conferences together... But we've all developed a strong bond with each other and I've been absent from some of my normal activity related to them since BD -- time to let them know what is going on... And I know that some of them will begin to put me/us into their prayers -- so can't hurt to expand the prayer circle in this situation.