Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

HP, you can reach that level of calmness that will allow you to deal with the irritations of your W. I still believe she is wanting to get her needs met through both you and OM. She wants your friendship, conversational relationship, and family events. If you can settle for that without any expectations.......that is your decision to make. Some people, including MWD, believe in being friends with the WAS. However, she says in Divorce Remedy that if the S refuses to end their A, to get a lawyer and file. So the way I interpreted much of her advice was not applicable when the wayward spouse simply refused to end their A. But it is the personal decision of the individual as the length of time they endure the infidelity.

I think whatever you decide to do about the contacting--or NC, you need to be consistent. When you respond part of the time then get angry and refuse to answer, that's not good. It is not giving her a clear picture of you. She will not give up her manipulative tactics. Everyone has to decide "what works" for them in their stitch. You've tried a little of this and that, but no consistency. I can see what a challenge it would be with your W!!

You are so tormented my friend, and I think I can speak for everyone when I say we just want to see you have peace. IMO, there are two things that should be your priority, the physical & mental health of S12, and your own peace of mind. Try your best to get your focus off of W's thoughts and actions, and focus on those two priorities.

Hello Sandi. Thank you so much for this post. You are right that I have not at all been consistent. In the last 24 hours I've gone from extreme NC all the way to "listening like a lover." Time for me to choose...

Last night S12 had basketball practice. W did not show up to talk as I said I would not.

After practice, I told S12 that he would spend tomorrow night with W as scheduled. He did not like that and wanted to talk to his mom. He called. She did not answer.

The entire drive home he tried to call but no answer. This was stressing him out. I talked to him to calm him. Said she was probably at work. Told him to leave a message and send a text which he did. Even so, by the time we got to the condo he was upset. I was irritated too.

Even so, he got in the shower and was soon happy and singing. I texted W... "S12 has been trying to reach you."

It had been 40 minutes since S12's first call when W called him. He was still in shower so I texted W... "He's in the shower."

We traded texts. I said S12 got upset she didn't answer. She said sorry she was in the shower.

When S12 got out of the shower, he call W. He started to talk angrily and disrespectfully and I corrected him. Even so, he showed his mom he was upset and said "Why aren't you here? Just solve your problem and come live with us!" Along those lines. He also didn't want to stay with her the next night.

W asked to talk with me. She was upset. Saying she was looking at an apartment to help S12. That he didn't like to stay at aunt's house. Asked me again to take him most nights. She would drive him to school. She was very agitated.

I let my irritation show about her not answering. Told her I didn't want to here her excuses.
When she angrily said S12 only called her 2 times when he had been trying for 30 minutes... I got angry.

It turned into a very angry R talk.

Nothing new except W talking about how angry and miserable she is and she's an adulterer now. There were things she's forgot she said and history rewritten. Me backsliding badly by talking logic to her and finally saying I'm letting her go.

In the end we were calmer. I end saying "I'm done talking" and hung up.

After I go to bed, she starts texting me about her schedule changes like we did not just have a terrible conversation. I text back I'm asleep and leave the calendar as it is. She apologizes.

This morning, she calls and leaves a VM talking about me paying all of S12's tuition again.

Then she says how happy she feels that we talked last night. That she's sorry that it got heated. That she would like to talk more. That, if I could find it in my heart, to please call her.

That call... her crying about how she fell into her A and didn't mean it to happen but here we are and she knows she treaded me like sh!t and she's confident she won't ruin S12's life... was the second worst talk of my life... second only to our last R talk.

I texted her that I would pay my part of the tuition. Then I said... "As for calling you... I have decided to reduce all contact with you b/c I'm moving forward." I said I would continue to take her emergency calls and respond to her texts and emails. Then ... "I'm sure you understand. Thank you."

Went on with my day.

Later, she says ... "Thank you HP. Are you going to secure an attorney?"

I don't respond.

Later she calls. Leaves a VM saying she understands what I'm saying... but we should still sit talk about money and child support and school. She said we could go to MC for co-parenting. She asked me to call.

She immediately texted the same. "Our marriage may be over but we have to talk." That last night was awful. That we're good parents and let's please do our best during this transition for our son.

I reply that I got her VM and text. Thanks for sharing. I'll discuss these things via email or friend or family intermediary. That I will not accept direct contact with her. I wish her well.

She sends me an angry email that she wants to use a mediator. About how sad it is that it's come to this b/c I'm so mad.

So we're in a bad bad place. I don't feel it's the right place.

I'm remembering 25 and Chuck talking about "listening like a lover." I try to think of W. I know from her email that she is lashing out scared like her IC told her. Remember all the comments how she is trying to be a good mom. Remember all the 2x4's about being a good dad and being polite. Thinking I'm about to blink. Thinking I have nothing to lose.

So, when she's due to pick up S12 from his guitar practice, I call her.

I ask her how S12 is b/c he was stressed about practice today. She is at the music room door and says he looks happy. She starts to talk about him. I can hear she is fighting not to cry. I ask her to tell me what's wrong. She says nothing. She says she's not feeling great and starts to cry.

I listen. I ask her about her work day. She opens up and tells me all about it. She is crying a little. I listen and ask her questions about what she says. She keeps talking. Talks for 20 minutes about her work and plans for business. She tells me about her apartment hunt, and her plan to take S12 to NYC overnight this weekend. I ask her if she's OK for money. She says no. She keeps saying thank you for asking. She keeps crying a little.

She asks me about my work. I tell her about my project.

She thanks me for talking with her. How much she appreciates it. How shocked she is that I called..

She offers to pick up some groceries for us on the way to drop S12 off here. I tell her to get S12's breakfast food.

She says if I want anything else to text her. I say bye and hung up. A little later, I text her food that she would know is for me. She replies... "OK!"

S12 just called me. Says he and W are going to stop for burritos. Asks if W can get me one. I say sure.

So complete inconsistency. I don't know what works.

NC wasn't working b/c W still kept calling and I was looking like an avoider and it made room for our growing anger. This is what she expects me to do.

I just showed I can be friendly when we talk like we used to. When I show interest in S12 and her day. It fits what DB Coach Chuck and 25 tell me about empathy. My W wants acceptance and to be listened to. She knows what she did and is doing is horrible but she says she can't let go.

So I can kill her with kindness. This would be a major 180 for me to keep going this way. Somehow distant and friendly. Leave my ego someplace else and be humble about my part in all this. Sit with her at a table and have lunch. Risk feeling like a doormat.

W just texted me. Burrito place was closed. She asked if a burger is OK with me. I say sure... bacon, onions, bbq sauce, no cheese. She texts OK.

I don't know what I'm doing.