I hope it plays out that way, T, but I worry that you will find yourself sliding along a la twinmom and then you'll have a new heap to deal with. Keep your eye on the prize, and that prize is the good strong woman who called him on his BS over the summer.
Sending you warm fuzzies with a tequila chaser.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sitting in the waiting room about to lose it. H is here. Didn't sau a word to me. Do I STFU during C and let him talk??
Hey, this is just off the top of my head, okay?
But what's there to lose, by listening? See it as a reconnaissance mission, in which you are seeking as much information as possible.
At this point, I can't see any harm in you doing that. IF you NEED to tell him off, Why make that today's task?
You really can tell him off, later. BUT you can't take it back later...
If you are pressed for answers from him (unlikely I'd think)
you can answer how you FEEL, and stress the sad parts, way more than the anger piece. I see No benefit to you showing him your anger.
If you want to act as if you have had that big awakening ("oh, H, No problem, WE will all be fine, thanks!"--) then go for it!
I mean sure I can see doing that. If you want to be authentic but also effective,
I'd either wait to PROCESS all that he's telling you (a legitimately time consuming exercise!!)
AND OR express "disappointment" that he still seems unable to
see your family and marriage, as the loving people/entity that you all are. (Believe that and let it radiate from within. Truly!)
If true, then at some point, you can make it clear
that you need to move forward in your "journey", to create the fulfilling life you and your children deserve...
Let him see what you see in the big picture... Meaning, that you actually pity him, b/c you know that it won't be long til his life alone or with nobodies, reveals itself to be a hollow existence.
Contrasting that^^ with what you are creating for you and yours...
It speaks for itself.
(((( ))))
Thank you - and that's what I did. When we first walked in the C said so I know you're not here just to drop by and say hi ... So what's been going on and he looked at me and I stayed quiet to let H start it off. I let him lead everything. I didn't cut him off like I had before BD. I didn't argue, I wasnt mean. The C said he can feel my anger -- he told H he knows I am not an angry person but that I am angry because H is/has hurt me
I figured I have plenty of time to let him have it IF things go sour... But I don't have any intention to add fuel to the fire. I am trying to learn the best way to communicate with my H to meet my needs/wants. From what I KNOW already - that is not by lashing out of even being pushy
From what I KNOW already - that is not by lashing out of even being pushy
And if you are anything like me, that is very hard to do. I have to wait FOREVER before my H can finally spit a few words out of his mouth.
Good job! Be proud of yourself.
AMEN!
There were times I felt so tempted to blurt out something "important", but held my tongue. And I've never regretted it (yet!). There are times that silence is golden and there are times that silence is the most loving thing to Not say...
But gosh it's hard. Like, Mother Teresa hard....
Congrats to you, T0. (Sandi,)
I want to give you my condolences about your mom, but don't know if there's a thread for that. If not, then w/T0's permission, I'll briefly hijack to tell you this:
I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a mother is among the hardest losses to face. I ache for you.
Sandi, you are a mother of d's as am I. You seemed to believe your mom felt shame or disappointment in you. It's one thing for us to see our children make choices we know won't end well, and a totally different thing to feel "Shame" because of them.
Based on your MANY posts here and all the help you provide, and what You have said about your family of origin and your own relationship with your d, I feel safe to say, There's no way your mom held anything against you; she was your biggest fan in the bleachers.
She loved you through all that and she loves you still, even now. Because love never dies.
May you find comfort in the knowledge that you will someday see her again,
and that your mother now rests in the arms of a loving God.
((( )))
T0, sorry for the hijack!
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/15/1508:26 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sandi - I am so sorry to hear about your mother, I had no idea. Sending you as many hugs as you need during your grieving process. We are all so lucky to have you here and your knowledge is priceless. I am thinking of you
So H slept in our room last night, phone was left out on the nightstand.
Haven't heard from him all day which isn't unusual for the last few weeks. The C told us that we needed to talk last night or tonight. I asked him last night if he wanted to grab a drink and talk on the way home from C. He said he would rather not. He was tired and had a long day so we came home and he went right to bed.
Not really sure if I'm going to bring up talking again like the C suggested. He knows where to find me. I don't want to pursue too much or push him but at the same time next Thursday for C is quite a bit away to discuss nothing.
He goes to IC Monday. I am proud of him for that. It is quite sad that I am always thinking negatively though. I think it's a defense mechanism. I believe he's going to IC to set up another BD for our MC session Thursday.
Just looking for advice on how to approach the issue of him not texting me at all. We don't talk at all lately... Do I reach out and try to talk or just be silent and let him do his own thing?
Also he used to be home from work by 6-630 and if he was going to be late he would call me. He comes home around 8 now with no heads up.
