Complex, it sounds like you are carrying around the hope that if you say the right thing or show your W the way you see things that she will change or regret her choices. I've said things before too that didn't need said. In most cases if you stop to look at what you said afterwards, it was done to control her or change her mind.
To Starsky's point earlier. You don't need to share your perspective with her. This form of control won't work. You aren't forming a boundary when you say you can't be friends. You are saying something to cause hurt and regret. Am I wrong?
This is spot on. You can't even let her onto your perspective, because the rationalization hamster in her mind will prove it wrong.
Normally in these situations barring a near life ending circumstance, they will continue on the path of least resistance, and they will continue the affair, while keeping the marriage partner their as a plan B until they feel safe enough to finally jump over.
The only time they know it was a mistake ( which it usually is ) is well after the fact. That wife of yours is part of creation of the interaction and support from you.
Pull your support and interaction and she will have to get it from outside. If she gets it from outside, it will not be the same as what you where providing. She will be weaker/unsupported in some areas.
Over time she will notice. A lot of the cheaters take on very aggressive/risky habits that get them into trouble and set them back. As long as you are supporting, you circumvent this by supporting her.
Let her learn from the world. It will show her. Over 90% of relations started by affairs fail. As long as you are at the poker table, losing hand after hand because it's by design you feed both of them. Remove yourself from the table! They will get reality.
And maybe it is that she is just happier with the OM. If she is how could you have stopped it?
