Strong EA after 2 years of marriage. Need advice.

[DaddyLongShanks]

So I don't believe what she's saying anymore that's for sure. Big trust issues.
But I'm not sure how to act if I find out she lied to me again and again?
Should I even confront her at all? That would kind of work against my plan right now...!?

Why talk to her? You know she is a heavy liar. Imagine you found out a lady you where seeing is a heavy multi dater. What would you do if you kept deciding to deal with her? I dunno. If that was my choices, I would drop her, ignore her crap OR date other people myself.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Is it actually ok to let my W know that she lost a lot of respect and all trust or should I just let it go and not even mention it?
She wants to be my friend, but I trust my friends, so she can't be my friend.

I definitely found myself in the "last resort" category. But I guess pretty much everyone in here finds himself in there.
Have to continue reading, hope there's some more good readings about the 'hopeless' cases

I think you can lightly tell her, your friends don't lie to you and mislead you like she does. Actually people have done it and they moved out of the friends category.

If your lover/spouse cannot be your friend... It's in a bad position.

[Complex]

I think I completely blew it .....guess it's over and out

[Complex]

Got myself so angry that she's lying again that we got into a confrontation. ALL the stuff I told myself I won't do anymore I basically did. I even told her in the end I'll never be her friend - don't have friends that treat me like this. I am now leaving for work over the weekend. I was never that rattled. Monday I have an apt at the therapist. I'll buy 3 phone sessions here too.

This will be very very hard to fix. I blew all chances I had feels like.
I just want to get as far away as possible. She of course assured me there's zero zero chance and with How I acted I I basically let her know that she is completely right. And I don't see a way to fix what I did right now.
I asked her a last question, probably just to keep my hope going...if she had the best intentions marrying me and she said yes.
I agreed we weren't meant to be but basically left the conversation saying I'll always be bitter about how everything happened, how things went down and that I am incredibly from the bottom of my heart sorry that I was not able to be the man that she wanted/needed.

I was never that full of regrets.

I feel like the biggest idiot of all time. Nothing worked. I'm completely frustrated and mad at myself. Like many times before. I'm not able to do 180s ...

But I hit rock bottom. It can probably only go uphill from here.
I basically let everything out and messed it completely up.
I couldn't hold back.

I need to pray now.

[nit84]

Complex,

I have used the DB coach for 5 sessions I have one remaining and hoping I use it after I get some movement from my W back to the M.

It differs in the fact that your coach will be more specific to your particular sitch.

It is well worth it IMHO.

[Bunches]

Complex, it sounds like you are carrying around the hope that if you say the right thing or show your W the way you see things that she will change or regret her choices. I've said things before too that didn't need said. In most cases if you stop to look at what you said afterwards, it was done to control her or change her mind.

To Starsky's point earlier. You don't need to share your perspective with her. This form of control won't work. You aren't forming a boundary when you say you can't be friends. You are saying something to cause hurt and regret. Am I wrong?

[DaddyLongShanks]

Complex, it sounds like you are carrying around the hope that if you say the right thing or show your W the way you see things that she will change or regret her choices. I've said things before too that didn't need said. In most cases if you stop to look at what you said afterwards, it was done to control her or change her mind.

To Starsky's point earlier. You don't need to share your perspective with her. This form of control won't work. You aren't forming a boundary when you say you can't be friends. You are saying something to cause hurt and regret. Am I wrong?

This is spot on. You can't even let her onto your perspective, because the rationalization hamster in her mind will prove it wrong.

Normally in these situations barring a near life ending circumstance, they will continue on the path of least resistance, and they will continue the affair, while keeping the marriage partner their as a plan B until they feel safe enough to finally jump over.

The only time they know it was a mistake ( which it usually is ) is well after the fact. That wife of yours is part of creation of the interaction and support from you.

Pull your support and interaction and she will have to get it from outside. If she gets it from outside, it will not be the same as what you where providing. She will be weaker/unsupported in some areas.

Over time she will notice. A lot of the cheaters take on very aggressive/risky habits that get them into trouble and set them back. As long as you are supporting, you circumvent this by supporting her.

Let her learn from the world. It will show her. Over 90% of relations started by affairs fail. As long as you are at the poker table, losing hand after hand because it's by design you feed both of them. Remove yourself from the table! They will get reality.

And maybe it is that she is just happier with the OM. If she is how could you have stopped it?

[Complex]

Guess you are right. At least I know all these things. And I am more 'observant' and can tell its not doing ANY good.

Its just so extremely hard to give up.
And I think that's what I have to do at this point. Just give up...
But at this point I know it'll just lead to friendship, if at all.

But I need to completely let it go, let go of all hopes too.

[Complex]

And I know a single incident isn't going to change but I had soooo many by now, that she is so far out of the window. I created myself a very dark whole.
I confirmed all her fears that I'm not the person she wants. Slowly but surely. I confirmed again and again. She might be like even if he changes now, he is weak.

And even now I'm calculating odds what the chances are that I can turn sth around.

She even told me today she would've rather married him.


I have to do the biggest change of my life. A huge 180.

[Starsky309]

I have to do the biggest change of my life. A huge 180.

Why?


Think long and hard before answering.


Starsky