MLCer and EA w/ OW

[25yearsmlc]

Jer, welcome to a great place to be...for a lousy reason.

Update: Have confirmed that her upcoming "silent retreat" is indeed a trip out of the country to meet up with OW.

Oddly, I don't feel as sick about this as I thought I would. I feel no need to confront her about it. I know the truth, and confronting her about it will only make her want to go even more.


Jer---That's ^^ yet another reason for not bothering to "confirm" the A. I believe that If you knew with 100% certainty, that an A would be a final, absolute deal breaker for you, THEN I'd say "go ahead, snoop & verify & confront", etc.

But if knowing of the A isn't changing YOUR path or course of action, then why bother with the confrontational scenario? If anything, it'll push her more into OWs' arms. The more you challenge her choices, the more she'll defend them. You want her to gain some perspective, to have her own "WTH am I doing??" Moments. .

She can't have those, if she's busy "protecting" herself from your accusations.

What difference does it make to confront her? I think it's partly ego piece, (which I understand!!)

b/c we want them to know that we know...but it does Not move us closer to our real goal.

Try to remember this: Act in accordance with your goals, not how you feel at that moment.

Make sense?


I am feeling disappointed in her for making such a reckless move. She can't tell anyone where she is going -- so there will be no way for us to contact her if there is a life or death emergency here at home with me or with the kids.


Understood...but again, how does this^^ change YOUR course of action?

It doesn't. So you must let it go. In most marriage vows there's a part that says words to the effect "from this day forward".

That's a great line and it belongs here, (in marriage AND in DBing). You have to let go of what you cannot control, which is a lot in this situation.

But it's very very freeing. Secondly, it's your expectations that are disappointing you. The idea that she'd examine her choices rationally and not with self interest coloring her ability to analyze well, isn't realistic of you at this time.

BTW, I have not read your whole thread but to save time, I'd like to ask you something that might be a useful tool/reminder for you as well, but what would SHE SAY the problems in the marriage (and or you), if she were HERE?

And what 180s are you doing? The 180s are, imo, KEY to Detachment and Detachment is KEY to your w as not seeing you as the sure thing she can rely on as her back up...it's a thing you do for YOU, but the byproduct is sometimes that the WAS begins to wonder what they are doing b/c they don't always know what YOU are doing...(yes it's a paradox, but c'est la vie).

Are any of the 180s going to affect her beliefs about you? OR is she going to say or believe, that you will "never change."??


The chances of that are highly unlikely, but my W -- who she was before MLC -- would never do something like this. It is reckless -- and very expensive (for someone who is expressing to me so many concerns about money and my dependence on her financially...)

WASs engaged in behavior like this, won't be affected by the judgements you are passing on her here. In fact, they'll be turned completely OFF by them.

My h's MLC (or whatever it was) cost us 6 figures in lost income and savings. I mean that, literally. But to HIM, since HE had earned more than me most years, morphed into "ONLY HE" worked and thus, he "deserved" whatever the heck HE wanted....and I was an obstacle to his happiness by pointing things out like "gee, for a guy who worries about money so much, you sure do spend..."

That always backfired on me. Always...so, take it from me, that line of reasoning or any attempts (subconscious or not) to guilt her, will backfire on you.

If guilt were useful with her, she'd have already felt it and succumbed to it. Instead, chances are that she's already convinced herself that she is entitled to search for happiness elsewhere, etc.


BTW, are you legally married? I only ask b/c it will give me some timeline in my head, to know how long it's going to take you two to untangle.

If you are legally married & have these blessed kids to cope with, that mostly helps you.

Even if it does not slow her down, it means you have multiple opportunities to show her the new improved you.

When you remind yourself that a WAS will Not return to a marriage they left,

unless........they believe the marriage can be different/better than before.

It's the LBS's job to demonstrate that. That's another part that goes with Cadet's saying to "use this gift wisely."

Time can be your friend. Doing nothing new or different can cement in her, the view that you and or the marriage cannot change.

But doing something, effectively, can help her see just the opposite.



I do know how to contact the OW if there really is a huge emergency (as in me or one of the kids seriously injured or hospitalized), and I do have family here that I can rely on... So it's not that big of a deal if there is an emergency, but this is still so out of character for my W.

Then this isn't so irresponsible of her, is it? SHE will certainly use this^^^ as her reasoning and in truth, she probably did already.

which is....yet another reason to drop it.


As for my feelings right now... I'm actually doing pretty good. I suspected this anyway so it's not a shock. It is what it is. I can only hope and pray for a safe trip -- and of course, that once they are together in person that one or both have a wake up call about the situation.


This ^^^ will eventually happen, even if they remain together. Unless OW is a psychopath, they will both face the pain they have caused others and that does matter.

***SIDENOTE:

My uncle left my wonderful fun aunt, 3+ decades ago, for a married OW. I'm not sure he originally intended to actually divorce my aunt.

But when the OW's h killed himself--because of the affair--he left his 2 kids fatherless. My uncle felt guilty but not in the way I'd have assumed. He decided that HE AND ONLY HE, could raise those fatherless children...(never mind his own 2 kids...)

Anyhow, a year or so down the road, he told his mother that if he'd "known all the pain this would cause" he'd "never have left." But by then it was too late.

After all, a dead father & 2 fatherless kids, AND an abandoned wife and 2 kids of is own, is a lot of damage to leave in one's wake. It's too much for some.

Guilt and shame can keep WASs away longer, or gone for forever. That's one big reason my DB coach reminded me,

repeatedly, to "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth." That's not = to being a doormat, but it does mean to keep those judgmental comments to yourself. (Don't be offended. I did the same thing with my h. )

I did judge him & I did find him wanting. IF we had divorced then, that belief might have helped me despise him, but it did nothing to help me support him in his journey or to want to reconcile.

IF your w fears you'll never let go of the A, throwing it in her face every time you two argue, or that you'll hold it over her head....she won't bother trying to reconcile - if she ever wanted to.

Do you understand what I mean by^^ this?

SIDENOTE: That same uncle cheated on his new wife (the OW!) as well. We know this b/c his "wife" (i.e., the OW to my aunt) called my aunt to ask aunt if he, the uncle, & aunt's ex h!!) was there...b/c she did not know where he was "again".

Meaning, the man was still cheating on his new wife, the 'real love of his life", 8 years later. God, what I would've given to see his face when he got home to his "new" wife...

But far more importantly, is what my aunt learned in that moment.

She said "it was at that moment that my fears & hopes were confirmed. That he really was a flawed character who'd never be faithful to any woman. And for the first time I realized how lucky I was not to have the problem his new wife/OW had...that sick to the stomach feeling you have whenever your H/W is late from work or not where you expected them to be...and you wonder...and you fear...

I don't have that ache in my life anymore and I'm finally, truly grateful for that."


As for me, while she is away, I will embrace my children and shower them with my love while I continue working on myself and reaching out to my network to find a new full-time position.

Sounds like a great plan Say, do you have any FUN GAL going on? Can you create one, this month?

Oh btw, the answer to that^^, would be, "Oh, YES I can!!"


((( )))