In some fashion in your talks have you let her know you understand why she left and accept her decision? If she feels like you are trying to pull her back, you're still the enemy by default because you're working against what she wants right now.
Trust me, I understand the panic and sense of the world being upside down and all wrong...my H has very slowly slipped away on me over the last two months despite some very good conversations. When I have thought those talks gave me room to pursue...he has gotten upset and defensive. When we had a good weekend he still made the decision to get on a plane and clear his head. I had something of a grand romantic gesture this past weekend where I saw him, and though I'm not sure much is going to change ultimately, there was a shift. Mostly because I spent 95% of the time seeking understanding and not trying to pull him. I spent the other 5% exploring how we might SLOWLY put this back together if he were to come home...but it wouldn't have come up if he wasn't a little open to it. He wouldn't have been open to it, IMO, if I was coming from a place desperate, needy and clinging to a past that is over now.
I'm not a vet, but I can tell you that pushing my feelings pushed him away. Being ambivalent about my feelings kept him contacting once in a while (I don't believe out of interest per se, more because I wasn't a threat to his head space at that point). Showing interest and acceptance of his feelings without mention of mine allowed him to share his experience.
There is soo much good advice all over these boards, and the DR book is fantastic. Hang in there. One day at a time.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
