Talked to H yesterday. We had a long conversation, lots of crying, my side and his.
H wanted to know if I felt abandon and I said yes.
H says his LL is RESPECT and that I do not keep my commitments and get what I want by clawing until he caves. H says he does not ask for much.
Here are his examples:
Examples: H asked for a birthday cake at DD baptism so we could sing h bday to others. I did not get a cake. This was DD day and did not want to bring in others to her day. He did the same thing at our wedding--he gave speech and used the time to congradulate his sister on her recent graduation from a program. And he left me during our dinner to sit outside and console his brother. I am just giving these point for context.
I HATE when he does this stuff and he does it all the time--does not want spotlight on him so he gives it away. Fine if he does not want on him but not fine when it comes to US or DD. Bottom line: I was not going to derail from DD day and get a bday cake.
Example: DD 1st bday. H wanted no party. I wanted a party. Sister offered to host everyone which is over 50 people. Just his family is 40 of the 50 people. H said no. So I compromised at just Grandparents and Godparents which is 9 people (including me, H and DD). H said maybe and I asked the 6 people. H later said he did not want a party at all. So I told him I would cancel. Turns out 1 day before H mom does want to see DD and so H asks how we can make it happen. I rearrange and ask my parents to come on same day a m-i-l, pick up m-i-l and then get a lunch for everyone. At party m-i-l announces, during the smash cake part, that she wants to go home b/c she has to get to a funeral. My parents have to leave. My parents come back the next day to spend more time with DD. So in the end, we wind up having a party and I am the one who has to make it all happen.
Example: For our wedding he wanted Indian Flute music. I did not agree and did not get floutist (is that even a word). I did agree to an in-town wedding with 100+ people when I wanted to have a destination wedding but his parents would not come so we had in town. He does not care....he wanted flutes and I did not get them.
Example: He says he agreed to try one final time for a baby. Says I did not respect the agreement by pushing for another baby. I said he aways was the one who wanted more than one child. He says that was when we were younger and given al the chaos going on in our lives H cannot understand why I want to bring another child into the family. I asked why H did not state this when I had a serious conversation with him back in Sept. In Sept I asked him why we were not having sex and even asked if he was sick, if he was gay, if I smelled, if he was having an affair. He said no to all the above reasons and that he would try better. Never did he say: W..I am trying to be sensitive to you wanting more kids but you are pushing and pushing to get your way and we should not have more kids b/c of x, y, z. This is my final answer W. H had no response when I said above. I was crying b/c I have tried to have conversations and get the run around.
Example: We agreed on how we would handle a conversation with a contractor and when we got in the situation, I changed the conversation. I did change the conversation b/c the contractor was totally confused by my H's words. The contractor asked me, while my H was spewing everywhere, to help b/c he was not understanding, so I did change the conversation. H is a very bad communicator. The things he wants to say do not come out clearly and he gets very anxious so many times it all comes out in a way that leaves the listener baffled.
H says he does not care that it went down that way, we had an agreement and I broke it.
I tried to validate, but there is so much in his comments and some are back to 2005....which we left behind. And so much is tied to my need to control OR simply because H is a bad communicator, procrastinator that I wind up doing 'it all".
H told me that I am so unhappy and that I should think about what I am saying.
Me: I am mad about things but not unhappy and that I would prefer having a mediator in our conversations as we had with past coach.
There was more talk and crying on both sides. Hand holding and hugs and ILUs. Basically about how we have these great lives and how stupid we are being...it all sounds so petty. I did tell him the coach said we need to grow up.
So in the end he said he would call coach and we would go from there.
I know my situation is not as complex in that there is no OM, OW, drugs, violence, ect. But as MWD says some marriages end for lesser things.
