Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

We talked last night and what it came down to was basically she wants me to move out and she wants a divorce.

The reasons why:
She feels overwhelmed by everything in her life
She does not have time for what is required in her life between teaching and taking classes, mom, etc
She does not have time to try to work on our R
She needs physical space and solitude from all the stress in her life so she can recenter
She feels we have flip flopped with her being the overworked over-stressed one and me being the one wanting to work on the R
She never said that she did not love me or that she hated me and wanted a divorce for that reason
She said that she did not want to be the "taker" in the R, but she has nothing to give right now
She doesn't want me to move out next week or next month, but wants me to move out
She likes that we can get along and are great friends
She still feels anger about what happened between us before
She doesn't want me to be the giver and her the taker and have me feel the way she did (which I assume was angry and resentful)
She said that she is much more of a taker than I am

Her message was that she has so much going on that she cannot work on us. She analyzed it as a "strategic plan" with input and output and not getting a desired result. She needs to make a change in the plan and the only thing she can give up is the M because the other things HAVE to get done. She is prioritizing all other things in her life above our M.

She said she doesn't feel that a M should feel like work. To her it feels like work right now. She doesn't feel like herself and when she felt like herself is when we were separated. This was because of the week on/week off schedule.

I have been thinking a lot about what she did and did not say. To me it feels like she set this goal with her work and education and now she won't stop because she feels she cannot stop. She is choosing that over us. She did not say that she did not want us, but that us did not fit in her schedule right now.

I brought up the "duplex with common kitchen" idea that she had talked about before. She said that it would enable her to feel and have the isolation or separation that she needs. I made the suggestion that I live in the basement and work this house like it was a duplex. She said it would never work, that I would do nothing for myself if that were the case. She thinks that I will not go out and see my friends or do things I want to do.

I told her about how I felt about our R and that right now I don't care about being the only giver, that is something I want to do. I told her I share and believe in her dreams and goals. I empathized with her about the trapped feeling you get when work and other obligations run your life. I said that I know she swings wildly emotionally from high to low and knew this before we got together, and it is something that I love about her.

I talked about her mindset that she is going to do this alone and not need anyone's help (her not wanting to be a taker). I told her that when she was sick with pleurisy and went to the doctor to get checked I knew she was in terrible pain. She was so sick that she could hardly move without terrific pain. This forced her to have to be taken care of and I was there to help her. I told her I noticed that she felt vulnerable, but since she had to physically accept help and be a taker that she felt loved and taken care of. She realized that she needed someone, not just wanted someone, and it did change her attitude for a while when she was sick. She looked scared but grateful that I could be there and she could rely on me.

I know what I am prepared to do to save this M. I am prepared to:
move myself into the basement of the home and treat the house like a duplex
work through this whole doctoral education with her and give all that it takes
work on myself so I am not making her feel pressured
basically eat a lot of crud to fight for what I believe in
I am prepared to put up with just about anything, except EA/PA, while living under the same roof