pain meds, depression, separation turning bad

[Zelda09]

Thanks Ganb8te. I think you are right about the LRT. I had a legit reason to contact last night for a bill that was past due, he was friendly in response, but also short and to the point, maybe a playful turn to a convo we had, but that was it. It is helpful to remember - he is not self-imposing a LRT. He could simply ask me how I was or reach out to me if he felt like it. He doesn't. And it doesn't need to feel tragic. Many times he said he doesn't have the ability to work on himself and us too - and is suspicious that I think I can. He is probably right.

Emotional distancer - at MC she first pointed it out. That I am emotionally avoidant in the face of negativity, self-pity, anything that feels destructive or chaotic to me. I just shut down. H has been going through some [censored], and every time he tries to express the desperation, I don't 'sit' with him, I oppose his feelings in some way or detach. This is where, despite all my best efforts at providing and caring (overbearing mother behavior) he would say "you don't care, you're not interested." Which would drive me angry-insane, I wasn't trying to give credit to why he would say these things, only that he was determined to feel like he was unloved. At the diner this weekend we talked again about this, very specific examples. I said that when he expressed his fears over his health, I felt like if I acknowledged them, I was breathing life into them and it would all be a self fulfilling prophecy. So I'd cut him off and tell him it was his choice in how he handled it. Or that he was looking at something unfairly, or wrong, or that he had to take some responsibility. (And I think there is some truth in all of that, but it wasn't my place to beat him over the head with it when he just wanted a friend.) That kind of tough love. Emotional distancing - inability and disinterest in showing any empathy. Not like the attention of a lover or friend. He agreed, and this is exactly what he doesn't need in his life, and this is what he meant by "you're not good for me right now," and "I don't want to battle you, too, with everything else going on."