Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[Calibri]

I empathize with her and tell her I understand and she has a lot going on but I have faith in her that she can do well in XYZ.

Ok, but do you really? Or are you just going through the motions? Because I'm going to be honest, I don't get the impression that you DO have genuine faith in her that she can do well.

Maybe. When this first started, she said she doesn't want my advice/opinion/help. Now, thats all she wants..wants me to "just tell her what to do."

How old was your W when she entered her first M? She's super, super young. Was she ever on her own before M? It sounds like in her life, she went from being someones daughter, to someones wife to someone elses wife, and never had the opportunity to be herself. She's always been something to someone else, and never herself.This my be why she's suddenly out there trying to do this on her own, and when it's hard, looking back to you for guidance, because she's always had someone to fall back on - at least it sounds like.

Don't try and sugarcoat anything, I'm a big boy, just tell me. I appreciate your thoughts

Ok. Here it goes. Why did you get married to your W? Honestly? What about her made you want to enter into a legal/spiritual/romantic commitment with her? What were your expectations of her as a wife? As a person?

Because here's the thing -- and I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm really not. But (and this is where I start to sound like a dick), I get the impression from what you've posted, that you were looking for a "wife" and not a life partner. You liked showing off your wife to your buddies. You've mentioned that you missed having the fact that there was dinner on the table when you got home and the dogs were taken care of. You pride yourself (and I don't think there's anything wrong with that) on being able to provide a lifestyle where your W didn't have to work. But at the same time, you got angry about she didn't understand how hard you were working. You got entitled about YOUR money, YOUR career. You've been critical about how W is handling school, the separation etc.

I can't help but wonder what it is that you want in a partner? Because I'm getting mixed signals. It sounds like you want someone who embodies the "traditional" roles in a marriage. But on the other hand, it sounds like you want someone you respect, and I don't get the impression from your posts that you respect your wife and her choices, because they aren't what you would've done/how you would handle things. I think you want someone who will say "look at this wonderful life you've given me TEE, I'm so grateful for your hard work!" yet, I think you want someone who pulls their own weight.

Sometimes, I wonder if you've thought that you were better than your W because of your accomplishments. And sometimes I wonder if your W can live up to the expectations you have (whatever they may be).

I wonder if you truly get why your W is on the path she's on? We can say we understand, but do you truly, truly understand?

Because I don't know if what I am doing is making things work towards the M. Idk if I am just giving her the best of both worlds, talking to her all the time, letting her get the perks of M without being M. I am ok with this, if it is working towards the M...It shows I am caring/understanding/good listener- all things I was not the past year.

But are you doing them because you want the M to work? Or are you doing them because you've identified that you truly need to change? If your W told you she wasn't coming back, ever. Would you still be supportive to her emotionally? Or would you cut off communication?

If your W were to come back, I think she truly needs to find herself. I think you need to find yourself. My question is, do you love her enough to let her do that? Are you patient enough to work on yourself? Or are you going to be give it up because she's not home where you want her to be? This all ties into my above question. Do you want a "wife" or do you want a life partner?

Maybell and Labug posted on my thread this week about expectations and wanting things to work out. Here's what LaBug said

Hope is tricky because we often hope for something very specific so it's full of expectations. If you hope for what's best for both you and H, then hope can be good. It can get you through the tough times.

Not controlling outcomes gives everyone the freedom to be who they are. It breaks the co-dependency. Re-read the livestrong page on detachment.

And here's what Maybell said:

The other thing about not controlling outcomes is that it makes it so much easier to see what IS rather than what you hope for. That is a good thing.

I would encourage you to think on those thoughts and how they relate to your sitch.

But is this actually helping work towards the M? If you're H came to you for all this...would you give him advice/make him feel better if he is just bawling his eyes out? IDK? This is why I wonder if things need to change, because idk if its working towards the M, or just enabling her.

My H has come to me to talk about a few things in his childhood that have come up in his IC. I've listened and supported him -- because he's going through some rough stuff. I also realize for us to have a shot in the future, that he has to work through his stuff. I've stopped giving advice, as I've found that a)it can be construed as controlling and b) for my H, it really deflects him from working through the problem on his own.

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Thoughts?