I'm new here, just as of today. So please forgive my ignorance that may prevent me from doing anything the proper way here at this time, haha.
So my situation is very critical at this time. At least it feels that way to me, this is why I would like insight from this community. Not too many people really know what I'm going through, or can relate.
So background story;
My wife and I's issues stem at the core from lack of communication. For sometime, about the past 2 years, I have been in a fairly deep state of depression. This has stemmed from lack of self worth and losing my sense of self identity through being within a career path that was just plain and simple, not for me at all. I was starting to get into the rat race of corporate life and structure and was settling down very early in life. My wife and I got married in Oct. '11 and immediately moved from our home state of Indiana to California, and then 2 months later to Arizona. A lot of whirlwind and exciting changes in a short amount of time. In Arizona we both pretty much landed dream jobs. Fast forward a year, this is when things started to go wrong, in hindsight. (Always 20/20 right??) The shimmer of this new and exciting job was starting to wear off and I was becoming very disillusioned and disenfranchised and was just becoming not happy there at all. That in the mix of being in a totally new state, without any of our best friends or former hobbies or places of socialization or adventure we had back home started to develop a bad mix. My unfortunate coping mechanism when feeling down and depressed has been to put up walls. Not communicate, not talking about things, internalize, not seek help, or really just feel like things are ok and will work themselves out. Our home and being there with my wife was my unconscious retreat. This is where I would sulk, be lazy and lethargic and just kind of shut down. Complacency (the most dangerous word in the world IMO). I stopped going out for the most part, or trying new things and being adventurous. The TV became my great friend and computer as well. Looking back I stopped being the sweet, romantic, loving, affectionate and adventurous man that my wife fell in love with.
After about a year of going through this my wife brought some things up to attention. She said she wasn't feeling good and wasn't feeling herself and that she was sad and that she didn't want to live in Arizona anymore and wanted to move back to Indiana. I thought that she was just sad about herself not finding Arizona to be "home" and that she was just having a hard time personally. Looking back I realize this was a cry for help that the relationship was in trouble. She brought these problems to my attention in the form of an email initially. We only talked about her feelings a couple times, but it was not directly said to each other that the relationship was in trouble or that we really needed to work on things between us. We just went out a little more, hung out with new friends more, I tried leaving stress at work a little more, this helped, but was not the kind of help we were really needing; we should have been working on our relationship that was slipping.
About a year later we made the firm decision to move back to Indiana. I took a job offer in Indiana that, knowing what I know now, I shouldn't have. This job was in the same field and had all of the same things going wrong with the place the former job I held had. This just drove me deeper into my depression and funk. I had become not myself. When moving back home should have been a triumphant return, things just got worse than ever.
This was pretty much a slow burn of these small things adding up over a total period of 2 years.
Then one day in November my Wife left a note while I was at work. I texted her that morning as I sense something was wrong and things did not feel right. She said she left me a note and that I should just read it when I get home. I left work immediately to read it and hopefully catch her. She was already gone. The note said basically that she needed some time to think things through in which she didn't know what the outcome was going to be, and she feels like our time may be coming to an end and that maybe we weren't meant for each other. A bunch of very sad and hard to read things like that. I immediately became an emotional wreck. I fell to the floor sobbing and breaking down. My wife went to a friends house, but then came back the next day.
The day she left the note, I went back to work and put in my 2 weeks notice. This was the first big step of many steps I instantly knew I had to do to start making things better for our relationship and myself. Career suicide, yea, but my wife and life with her is worth more than anything in this world.
This was not a constructive time for us. Before I got wise and did a lot of reading, research and critical thinking, I was just an emotional mess to and in front of her. I was breaking down, crying, begging, pleading, all of the things we know we shouldn't do at this point! Though I was trying to talk about things and talk everything through, she wasn't having it. She didn't want to talk anything through or try to resolve any issues. We went to one therapy session together, but she didn't agree to anymore after that 1st.
Though I was an emotional wreck, this was a huge slap to the face for me that really, truly and completely woke me up, seeing through my depression and I instantly realized where everything had been going wrong up to that point. It was quite amazing, in a sad way. I realized I had not been myself at all for some time. I saw where I was pushing her away and where we should have been communicating and growing together and seeking help through these issues. I know looking back is dangerous, but I have been doing it a lot to understand what went wrong. I see it all so clearly. It was all so avoidable.
So things were like this for a couple of weeks, she didn't want to talk about it, we were sleeping in separate rooms, she was spending a lot of time with new friends from work and her yoga studio. I very aggressively started working on things for myself. As I said above I quit my personal largest contributor of stress and depression, the corporate job, I started going out with friends a lot more and socializing, I started helping a local record label (music is my passion), I started playing music again, I started going through the formal process to begin volunteering at a hospital, I started yoga for myself, I started exercising more, turning back to faith and going to church again in life...A lot of things, that initially I will admit I did because I thought she would like them and turn her head in interest, but I soon realized these were actions and ideas that were genuinely building me back up as an individual and feeling truly and genuinely good for myself.
My wife moved out of our house in the beginning of December. I was once again devastated. It was all happening so fast. After she left I didn't know what to do. I wrote her and that didn't do much of anything. She pretty much just stopped communicating with me after she left. I started texting her about once a day with "I love you" and "Hope you had a good day" simple, non-pushy things like that, but pretty much with no response from her.
For Christmas we were both suppose to go travel to see my family, something we booked tickets for prior to this all happening. She said she wasn't going and told me I should go and didn't think I should stay in town. I went and the trip was just fine. It was good to remove myself from all of the chaos for a week.
I came back home and there was another note at the house. It stated that she feels that our time is through. That she has moved on. And that she got in touch with an attorney about "our future divorce" and that she is filing for legal separation for February as that is the soonest we will have gained residency back in Indiana. She said she feels that these decisions were not made in haste. Though she feels that we were meant to have the times in life together that we have had, but has come to realize that "life is too damn precious to be stuck in a rut" and that she sees beautiful things in life for us, but individually. And that she hopes we can be peaceful and respectful through these times to each other....
I lost it again. I was sobbing by myself on the floor of our home and just lost it. I spent the night at a family friends house, because I just couldn't be by myself.
So speed up a few weeks and now we're here. We met up once since she left that last letter. We didn't talk through it, but I just wanted her to see the positivity in me and the genuine and honest changes I have been making. And to just tell her that bottom line, I love her and I am not giving up on us.
During all of this, I have been in contact with her family, trying to let them know I love her and am fighting for her. Admittedly I was trying to corral them up to help be support groups to help my wife and I through this, but I'm learning this might not be the best idea. Though mostly everyone that knows us is saying we should and need to fight for and work through this and that they know working through it would be for the best. My wife is just not confiding at all in people who have this viewpoint, she is confiding in people that are new to her life or are not being direct with her in saying she should work things out with me. Her family is not being too vocal about it because they don't want to push her away, and I understand and respect that. Her sister, I have come to find out, is not being an advocate of us working through this, which is really frustrating because her and I are quite close and she and her BF have worked through some very difficult situations and their relationship is better than ever as a result.
My wife is just surrounding herself by people who are making this choice she currently is making easier for her. She is ignoring and just not reaching out to any of our mutual friends, family, and overall people that truly and genuinely know and love her and us and want us to work through this and stay together. I think my wife is just putting on a brave face and trying to fight through the pain. This is all completely devastating and hard and I know neither decision is easy in the slightest, but I think she is currently taking the "easier" route. Reconciliation would be so hard and frustrating, but I am certain the benefits of working through it would be so beautiful and that our lives and marriage would be better than ever. I am certain our life can be so amazing and beautiful together. I am certain we are right for each other.
To be honest, I think she just kind of snapped. And I completely understand and respect it. She was dealing with a lot of pain and sorrow for a long time. Though I don't think either of us can 110% honestly say we really talked about this or really tried working on things up until this blew up in November, which was the first time we ever really admitted to each other than the relationship was is a bad place, or as bad as it really is. I feel like she is not herself right now, that she is just so lost and so hurt. I don't think she's gone crazy at all, but she that this is just not her. A lot of people that know us agree with that. That's why my hope is that eventually she will come to realize what could possibly be lost, or for lack of a better phrase "snap out of it". Honestly I think she is still very angry at me and hasn't forgiven me for what has happened. I think she is holding the "too little too late" argument against me still and isn't quite sure yet if I am making changes to and for myself genuinely or if she can trust me yet. I can really sense the passion in her still and I really think she has to be thinking of me a lot throughout the day, and that gives me hope.
Throughout all of this I am not mad, angry or resentful at all, I am only falling in love with my wife more and more, in some weird way, and realize so clearly that she is the one in this world for me.
At this point I don't know what to do. I texted her the other day and she ignored it. I don't know how to interact or approach her or if I shouldn't approach her at all during this time. I would feel more comfortable giving her complete space for some time, but if she is really pursuing divorce, which I'm not sure at this point, she hasn't brought it up since she dropped that letter, then things seem extremely time sensitive. I don't know if I should text her a couple times a week to see if she wants to meet up, if I should write her letters and leave them in her car while she's at work, if I should pull some grand romantic gesture and try to go find her and sweep her off of her feet (she hasn't given me her new address of her place & I'm guessing this probably wouldn't be good at this time), or if I should just give her total space and not communicate right now. I just have no idea what to do.
And to be honest, I do have suspicion that she may be involved with someone else, either emotionally of physically. I have my reasons to my suspicion, and honestly it tears me up to think on it, but even if it is true it doesn't change my feelings of unconditional love for her and wanting to save our marriage. Idk if I should confront her about if something is going on, or if I do it will only set us back at this time. Which I don't want to happen obviously.
As well, I know she probably feels like she didn't get enough time in life to find herself or explore the world before we started to "settle down". Though at our cores we both want the same things, to share a life with someone, have a family someday, see the world and all it has to offer. She's talked about building out a van and traveling the country when her lease is up and then maybe going down to Florida to move in with her mom. And all I can think is, I want to do that too! (maybe not live with her mom though ha). I want to travel around the world with her and see and experience things. I don't want to be complacent or just settle to just settle, especially while we are both quite young. And we both want a life together with someone. We want the same things, but the equation is just not adding up for her for some reason. I want what she wants and she wants what I want. I just don't know why she doesn't see or agree with that.
I just don't know what to do, any advice, direction or commentary would be hugely beneficial. I know this is a lot here so if there are any questions I can answer to help make my situation more clear I would be happy to answer.
