LOL, well, I'm not a fan of haphazard activity. Just want to make that clear. I really like a general plan and then tweak it when opportunities arise. I just make sure that emotions don't drive those decisions... the manic happiness of buying a new house or car vs. the crippling fear of doing anything. Those are generally bad times to make big decisions. I literally force myself to sit on "the discomfort sofa" awhile before doing anything until I know why those emotions are present.
And since I did one of those things last night... I can tell you with all honesty I followed my own advice. I have (ok, had) a very cute, adorable and FAST (though highly impractical) sports car. It's flat out FUN to drive on the open roads. Cops love it. And me driving it. I bought it for my business partner to use as his car. It was his choice and the payments were fabulous. He moved to Chicago and got another company car there, so I took possession of this little cutie pie back in 2012. It sits really low and has a blind spot. And since I'm over that stage in life, it pisses me off. Plus it's a gas and oil hog (with a rotary engine), and the maintenance and insurance is not cheap. When my D20 forced me to trade cars over Christmas break--it was snowing--so she could run errands in my SUV, I had to drive this rear wheel drive/ice skate. And it did not make me happy. At all.
I knew that this is not the time of year to even contemplate selling. She went back to school, and all I have to do is look in my garage, wave at that cutie, and pull out in my SUV until the weather gets better. But I still had a notion that I would make a change when it became a good time and the right offer. I got a call yesterday from the Mazda dealership that serviced it. They told me they wanted to talk to me about trading it in this spring because they always have buyers when the spring peeks out through the curtains.
I said jump, they said how high and we met last night. We did some negotiating, and I used my lack of emotions to get a deal that would satisfy me. I told them I'd sleep on their trade in offer and get back to them. LOL, I didn't even stand up when the manager split the difference with me. So I drove home with a practical car (in case you haven't figured out, I consider myself practical) that gets great mileage, costs less to insure (although it is 8 years newer), and I can haul kids and groceries around. My big kids and my lots of groceries. Yay!
I tell you this because it was not a wild hair day where I woke up and said, "I'm gonna go out and buy a car today." Yes, crazymaker me used to do that kind of thing. Once, when I was married, didn't consult my H and drove home with a really nice vehicle. To say he was pissed would be an understatement. But I was making lots of money then and figured I could do what I wanted. (I cringe when I write this, as I LOVED the feeling of buying a new car.)
So plan. Make a general plan and allow yourself the option to change your mind. That includes moving while you've got a business dissolution to do. But maybe you say to yourself that you'd like to make a decision on your living arrangements by June 1. Or any date you give yourself. But give yourself permission to make a different call when you get there and have more information.
I had a fear based decision back in 2012 - the year that D20 left for college and D17 was supposed to start high school. We had a fabulous sitter who was my 3rd daughter but who couldn't work outside of the middle school hours. I talked myself into holding her back another year. Why? Because I was afraid. Afraid of letting go. Afraid of doing 2 transitions instead of one. Afraid of losing control.
Then my sitter faced a conundrum of having to go back to school. I really freaked. It was a game changer. Since we were losing our sitter, my XH said, "Is there any reason we can't allow her to go to high school now?" I'm telling you, I fired back with a slew of reasons. He agreed with me but kept quiet. After I heard myself, I said, "Wow, all of the pros are because I'm afraid. Wow." He didn't say anything... wisely. I made the necessary call and put the ball into motion. And you know something, Maybell? It was the BEST thing I ever did for her.
I've been this special needs kiddo's advocate for so long that all her issues are near and dear to my heart. But sometimes, I really don't know jack. She made the transition beautifully (she's typically not one to do that), and she LOVES high school. She flourished, and I wound up telling everyone in my life that I get in the way sometimes. So don't be afraid to muster up the courage to say yes. Yes is a much healthier word to say sometimes when our fears are preventing growth. So like the Grinch, I'm an idiot!
You *are* smart and strong. And know that you make good decisions for yourself and your kids, Maybell. You're a good egg!
Hugs, Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
And there really is no wrong or right way to do this.
We don't know what lessons you need to learn, just like you don't know what lessons I need to learn every time I go down the same rabbit hole with my S22.
I'm waiting for that to be revealed to me but if we look at each rough patch as a lesson, it's helpful. At least it is for me.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Today is the birthday of the child formerly known as S6.
So STBX called about five minutes ago. No planning or anything. Just called without even knowing if we'd have already left for school.
I feel sad that he and I don't have anything to say to one another beyond "Is he there?" And "I'll get him." I feel sad that this is the place where all our decisions led us.
The things I could have done differently, I don't think would have led us anyplace different. Though they might have gotten me here sooner. So I'm grateful that this all happened when I was mature enough to cope with it and well-supported in my life. I think, a guy who could say "Well, I had two one night stands" as though they don't count when I've asked him repeatedly how many times he's cheated, the guy who could say "I don't want to be 'that guy'" in the same conversation that he said he wasn't going to get an apartment that accommodates his three children because "moving is a pain" (but the kids and I are supposed to do it ASAP), I don't think a guy like that is marriage material. He'd rather date strangers than think about and fix what led him to destroy his family. That's not marriage material.
FWIW, the housing market here is starting to open up and I'm beginning to see that I have a greater range of possibility and options than I thought I had a week ago. So no worries, I've learned prudence.
I am SO BLESSED in my children, friends, employers, and everything. I wish my STBX were a better person, but that would just be icing.
Labug, the post that got deleted was this past fall when I was trying to find a job. JCred said I needed to quit whining about it and go get one, and that I should assume my STBX was sleeping around and "getting his needs met." As if I wasn't already focused on both those things.
Anyway, that's my update. Hope you all have a great day. Stay warm out there!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, my H said the same thing, crying in self-pity that it was hard to think he could be "that guy" -- the one who turns into a midlife crisis cliche and has an affair, blows up a family, deserts a good loving wife, etc. But the bottom line is that they ARE that guy. And you're right -- that's not marriage material. It makes it easier to let them go on their path to crazytown and seek out peace for ourselves.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
On the one hand I'd say no need to rush into moving house. These are still early days as labug said.
But on the other hand, if you find the "perfect" house and it would make you happy to live there no matter what happens with your marriage, then DO IT!
Sometimes we need to wait and see and give it time and sometimes that is just a waste of time! If you know what you want and what you need, go for it.
If that is a house where you and your kids feel stable and secure then take the steps to make it happen now. Don't wait for H to do something. Think about what Maybell wants.
H could move into a new house with you if it came to that, right? So what is the problem? Do what you want.
In my life sometimes the sudden moves I made were the best moves. Where the long thought out decisions where I waited for the right answers... not so great, just a big fat waste of time. So you never know. Follow your heart and your gut with some feedback from your brain!
And also, it sounds like your meeting went well and your sentiments about it actually give me hope that you will end up reconciled. It sounds like your H is lost and confused and needs to get his head out of his ... There is nothing we can do to speed up that process except move on with our own lives. Sure it bites but he needs more time to wake up if he ever will. Maybe he never will, it sounds like he's in a bit of a fog and it takes time for that to clear if it does. So you can get angry, sad, mad, yell, scream, be calm, it doesn't matter what you do. He needs to work through it in his own time. And maybe he will never wake up and realize what he has lost, or maybe it will take him getting into a new relationship to realize what he had. Who knows. But I am feeling optimistic that he will eventually realize the mistake he made. You're great!
