My 2 cents - as long as she is in affair fog - she is not the same person. My WAW is the same way. Every day I look at her and think who is this person?
Stay strong, keep your boundries to protect yourself. She will crash and burn eventually is my belief.
My 2 cents - as long as she is in affair fog - she is not the same person. My WAW is the same way. Every day I look at her and think who is this person?
Stay strong, keep your boundries to protect yourself. She will crash and burn eventually is my belief.
Keep posting
Good point -- If feel the same way -- definitely not the same person in that body... so strange to witness this... and sad because I never expected to be dealing with this. I also expect her to crash and burn at some point -- and I have no idea what to expect when that happens.
But doing my best to stay strong, hold some boundaries, and to protect myself and the kids... And will definitely keep posting with the hope that someday I'll be able to post a good story of how we all came through this to become a stronger family. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Just had a thought about my W not being "the same person"...
I do feel this so strongly and that may be one reason why I am not completely melting down over this upcoming trip that she is taking to spend a week and a half with the OW (to, I suspect, move the EA to a PA). This person is not my W because my W would not be doing this to me or to our kids. The trip -- outside of the country -- which she can reveal to no one because the EA is completely secret to everyone including her closest friends -- is so freaking reckless and absurd.
It's so bizarre because I love her so much and obviously don't want her to be with anyone else, but with this upcoming trip I just feel so detached from it... In other words, NAJ1964 and Wonka: I won't have M.E.'s "Bring Me Some Water" playing on repeat the entire time she's on this trip ;-) Seriously, I'm not happy about the trip, but deep inside somewhere I don't feel like it's really my W that is making this trip.
Does that make any sense?
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Yep it makes perfect sense. My WAW is doing the same absurd and reckless things. It's unbelievable how absurd their fantasies are but you can't control their train wrecks. All you can do is protect yourself (and your kids) as best you can and get out of the way.
Have you thought about exposing her affair to her friends and family? I did just that and my wife was furious but the lies were hers to bear, not mine. Her shame was not mine.
I filed for separation to protect myself financially should she wrack up credit card debt or buy a car or anything else financially foolish. As we are still married, I would be 50% responsible. Yikes!
I have exposed it to a few members of her family that I can trust, but have not told her that I've exposed it. They are also observing some of her behaviors in person and have called her on some of it -- like texting the OW during family dinners and family holiday gatherings!
Of course, she denies to them as well that there is anything going on or that there is anyone else.
At some point in the past several days they've also started talking on the phone with one another. I'm still not sure how they are doing this, because it's not showing up on the cell phone records -- maybe some app on their phones or maybe they are skyping... I don't know. Initially it was in the middle of the night, but this week it's started happening beginning around 9:00 p.m. She's on the phone right now, as I type this, with OW. I can walk down the hallway and here her talking to her from the living room downstairs. I can't hear everything, but have heard enough to know who she is talking with -- and this has been every single evening this week. She apparently is not afraid that I might walk downstairs late in the evening to get something from the kitchen. And if I did, she would probably still deny that they are anything but "just friends."
Ridiculous.
Early on I considered publicly outing her to family and friends, but I worry that doing so would just push her further away and possibly get her stuck in Replay... Not sure if that would happen or not and I'm curious what some of the veterans might say about that.
For now I am letting her do what she wants -- as long as there is no physical harm to me or the kids -- with the hope that this incredibly ridiculous escape fantasy A will come to a natural conclusion in time. That may or may not happen.
However, I have collected quite a bit of evidence to prove when this started and how they have expressed their love for one another. If I do ever need to provide proof of the A then I do have it. I just hope I never need it and that this all ends soon so my W can move forward into whatever stage of MLC she is headed into next.
We have the majority of our finances and investments separate and we are not legally married, so I'm not worried about that. I'm actually more concerned about the emotional impact this is having on the kids and will continue to have on them as this MLC continues and as we move closer towards separation.
I just continue to be amazed at the craziness of MLC.
Last edited by Jer2911; 01/15/1503:23 AM.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Hold on, it's quite the ride but at least your finances are separate thankfully. Keep yourself safe and protect yourself from any STD's, icky I know but so common with the infidelity crowd.
I called her Mom, her sister, her aunt, my mom, my brother and all of our friends. I don't know if it did any good but I felt a lot better about it. Did it push her further into the Affair, I don't know. The Board will be divided on that issue.
Can you make the mortgage/rent and other expenses without her contributions? My wife walked away from our mortgage and left me holding the bag of course. That is a different story however, more on that later.
My wife is in month 4 of her A and I don't know how long it will last. Did I mention that affair partner is married and has two little kids and lives in another city, about 600 miles away? Right.... really sustainable..... The AP still lives with her wife (for financial reasons only of course). So my wife gave up a full time family and wife to be a part time side dish to someone who is already married with two little kids. OMG. The craziness is baffling.
Hold on, it's quite the ride but at least your finances are separate thankfully. Keep yourself safe and protect yourself from any STD's, icky I know but so common with the infidelity crowd.
Did I mention that the OW is a virgin?! LOL! I think that's part of the appeal - my W has some romantic notion of being OW's first... Indeed, the craziness is baffling!
Of course, if this A dies off and she goes into another A with someone else then that certainly increases risks of STD's.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
I called her Mom, her sister, her aunt, my mom, my brother and all of our friends. I don't know if it did any good but I felt a lot better about it. Did it push her further into the Affair, I don't know. The Board will be divided on that issue.
I've told her mom, brother, and sister-in-law as well as my mom. However, none of them have told her that they know for certain or even that they are talking to me about all of this. But all of them have questioned her about there being someone else and have based their suspicion on her constant texting and disconnectedness during family gatherings.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
Can you make the mortgage/rent and other expenses without her contributions?
Unfortunately, not right now. If I get the dream job then yes, I can make the mortgage payments as well as most, if not all, utilities... Just might be tight with also paying for everything else like gas and groceries... But until I get that job I am s.o.l.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
My wife is in month 4 of her A and I don't know how long it will last. Did I mention that affair partner is married and has two little kids and lives in another city, about 600 miles away? Right.... really sustainable..... The AP still lives with her wife (for financial reasons only of course). So my wife gave up a full time family and wife to be a part time side dish to someone who is already married with two little kids. OMG. The craziness is baffling.
Good grief -- that's about as insane as our sitch... My W is "in love" with a 25 year old virgin who has only dated (nothing long term) a couple of guys and had one girl who seemed interested in her but they never took it further than just curiosity... I believe this is well into the third month of this so far, but they "met" (online) a little over a month before they both expressed their love for one another... I even interacted with OW a few times because at first they really were just friends and my W and I even talked about how young she was and how messy the 20s can be because that's when most of us are just beginning to figure out who we are and what we want from life... (Which makes the OW an easy target -- she's young, inexperienced, curious, and not exactly sure about what she really wants or needs from a long-term partner)... And the OW lives not only in a different country, but on a different continent -- so travel is not as easy as if she lived in our city or even a state away. Craziness! Absolute craziness...
After reading the paragraph above I realize now that it is possible that when my W met the OW, my W was probably near the end of the Anger stage, but she was not outwardly expressing that anger at that point. Things were actually pretty good between us at the time. But I can look back and see some signs of the Anger stage beginning last Spring and during the Summer. I think Denial lasted for quite a while with my W -- possibly going back a couple of years... The catalyst for accelerating everything was the sudden and unexpected death of her step-mom early this past May (they were very close to each other) -- that shifted her into a "life is short" mentality which combined with some peri-menopause symptoms resulting in a major MLC which has her acting completely out of character... I definitely see signs of depression through all of this, and as I look back I think she might have actually been having some mild depression over the past few years.
Last edited by Jer2911; 01/15/1502:07 PM.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
My wife's grandmother died with my wife present and that put in motion this whole "life is short" attitude. She also blamed me because I was not there in Georgia. I was at home working so I got the blame for not being emotionally available. Jeez.
One thing to remember is that our wives are way ahead of us when it comes to being checked out. We are just at the beginning of the grief stage, they already have processed the anger, the grief, etc... They have had months to process it while we are blindsided. Does this sound familiar to you?
All we can do is just wait it out. It blows but hold onto your sanity and take extra good care of your beautiful kiddies. Make sure you care for yourself - eat and sleep and exercise. This will help with your feelings of shock.
