Inside my chrysalis 10

[Zues126]

My STBX had medicated with pot for a couple of years, began drinking to black out right after bomb drop, had several flings, and attempted suicide a few months ago. She finally saw an IC to try to show everyone she was fine and had all the help she needed. IC told her she was depressed and probably had Borderline Personality disorder.

STBX told me this was all situational because of living with me.

Funny, I don't think about it much anymore. I still think of her daily, and feel some loss that we couldn't make our M work. I still have this feeling that it's absurd, kind of like if I went on a vacation with a bunch of friends but then got into a fight about which radio station we'd listen to so we turned around and called it off. You could say that's minimizing, but we wouldn't be here if we didn't feel that M wasn't a real commitment that took work. Besides, I'm not minimizing intentionally, those are just my feelings which I'm entitled to feel.

But I guess while I still think of it often, it doesn't hold my interest anymore. When I think about it I just go around in circles. It makes me feel rather jaded.

So instead I just laugh it off and focus on me being the person I want to be. I haven't burned any bridges between us, nor in my head, I'm still going to IC and reflecting on how I can grow, but I'm ABSOLUTELY DISINTERESTED in focusing on the dynamic between her and I. I know it's not good DB to not monitor 'what's working and what's not working', but sometimes detaching is more important for me than trying to influence a relationship that was ended by someone else. In a way I feel like "trying to do what works" wasn't working so I'll just be a guy I'm happy with and not look back.

I do wish detachment for you and for you to have a great 2015.