I just read thru your story and you are right, it is eerily similar. I'm sorry you're going thru this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
To answer your questions, like you I thought she needed rescuing. Then I realized, she didn't want to be rescued not by me anyway. Once I accepted that, I focused on rescuing me and my children.
At the start of the DBing, I knew there were 3 potential outcomes. 1. We would reconcile. 2. She would continued her behavior and bail. 3.I would get tired of trying and waiting and bail.
For me it was the third option. I felt I had taken all the reasonable steps I could and she continued to do what she was doing with little to no regard for me or our family. I had detached to the point that I had clarity, without the same emotional intensity I had during most of the situation. I wasn't going to live in an open marriage and I wasn't going to continue the fight for something that was unhealthy to me and my daughters. Once I made the decision, I moved with the sole purpose of doing what was best for me and my daughters.
Best advice I can give you is, focus on you and your children. If you do that, you'll be in good shape no matter which way things end up.
