barely holding on - 7

[Starsky309]

When her actions match her words, consistently over time, THAT will be the truth.

[u-turn]

Thanks Starsky!
She is using very few or no words about it right now, only actions that show she is moving closer. She has avoided using words (my view of this is to possibly avoid telling more lies).

I want (need) the words too.

Can't make her talk about it though.

[u-turn]

I spent the night trying to quiet the demons in my head without much luck. I was emotional again, awake all night, worrying about my family, praying (which is new for me). W has been away on business and the fact that she has no interest in reassuring me that I can trust her speaks loudly to me. Not being able to trust her is clearly going to be my issue and I don't want to continue like this.

Today I need to get a handle on my finances. I have never done this well. W has handled that portion of our family, but I need to know where we are. I am a little fearful as to what I am going to find. This may be snooping (seeing her transactions), but I have the right to know and need to take control so I know what I am dealing with for myself and kids prior to S/D.

She is going to come home tonight and be nice and friendly - I know this. She'll have a million stories about work and nothing about what she knows I am concerned about. She will act like it's just a non-issue not even worth mentioning.

Hey W. you just spent an entire year lying to me and now you have the exact opportunity to do the same. How is it any different. Nothing has changed for me to start trusting you. Being nice to me, hugging me, laying next to me doesn't change a thing.

[u-turn]

More great news!!

the money's all gone - I'm such a f-ing idiot. I trusted her when I shouldn't have. She was right - I should have left in March when the sh!t really hit the fan.

I don't even know what to do now.

That is it. I don't know how to even handle this from this point.

She's not home yet - I'm just at my end with all of this.

[u-turn]

I really need to get my head together and figure out how to calm down. She's spent or moved everything. I am waiting on the reports from our bank to find out specifics.

We never had a lot of money, but now.... It seems that she has funded her A with "our" money. She will see it has hers and mine now. When I was making much more than her it was our money.

I don't know how to ever move forward with her. Pretty easy to split 0

Now she will come home and lie act all lovey-dovey. Because she had such a great time away.

I'm sick.

[u-turn]

I really hate to sound so materialistic. I do not feel I am. I just don't want to worry. This just makes the lies hurt more.

She just called to say she's picking up a pizza on the way home for the kids.

I don't know what the look on my face is going to tell her. I cannot talk to her in front of the kids. So I need to pretend all is well.

I don't know if I should wait until I have all of the proof to get to the bottom of this.

I want her to go, she's right we can't even afford to separate - I know why she said that now. She's going to hold this family together in the house because we cannot change it. I think that is what she really cares about.

[u-turn]

I do feel that I have lost my power in this. The plans that I had will not work now.

She did come home, nice to kids, tried to have her work story sessions with me, but I was having trouble listening to them. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering.

She laid down and went to sleep. No conversation.

I may anti db and pressure her for complete openness and honesty so we can end this charade.

Another sleepless night for me. I am torturing myself not to repair this destroyed M - not even thinking of that, but to protect my kids.

[Love2Surf]

I think you need to seek legal advice. You need to get the financial concerns squared away at once. An attorney can best advise you on this. Take care of the practical things you can control.

[u-turn]

My conflicted feelings are very hard to deal with.

She said she was angry and confused that I couldn't even make eye contact with her when she came home last night. She claims she doesn't understand why.

I just told her that I do not want to do this any more.

I asked her this morning, What has changed in the last couple weeks? Three weeks ago you were having an affair and today you are not? She was angered by this and said yes.

Just like that - just that easy? she said it is not easy.

I told her that I didn't even know how to begin building trust again.

--I really don't believe anything she says.

Later in the day she sends me a screen shot of her itinerary from her business meeting with a "see, there, I was at a meeting" type of comment attached. I did not respond.

I do not believe we are in the position to have a productive conversation about this right now - but also not talking about this means just pushing it away to me. This anger is not my friend and is not helping me

[HPoirot]

U... calm down. Wait till you get more info from the bank. Don't pressure her. You may just have to wait and watch what she does. You may just have to keep working to keep your PMA and your life going for your kids.