Requesting support and direction

[25yearsmlc]

Last night my W clearly decided to push against the boundaries I had set up. I had asked her to keep it down if she was going to choose to talk to the OM

She pushed......and what did you do?

How exactly did you state it to her?

IDK, Andy, I realize you are learning about boundaries, but that sounds a little weak. When you set a boundary, you have to be prepared to know what YOU will do if that boundary is not honored. To me, what you told her was like saying, "When you and OM have phone sex or Internet sex (whichever it is), will you just try not to get so loud, please?"


2 things about this^^^, stick out to me.

One is what Sandi just said. It sounds weak & vague b/c you said nothing about what YOU would do IF she failed to comply (and yes, I hate that wording "comply" as if you gave her an order, but it is what it is).

It was if you were making a request of her, which is NOT setting a boundary.

NOTE: You must not set ANY boundary, if you cannot or will not follow through with the consequence you assert will follow...do you understand that??

And secondly, you have NOT let go. You are still trying to control her - instead of setting a boundary. There's a difference.

"CONTROLLING Her" is when you tell her what she can or cannot do (which is what you tried to do).

VERSUS

Setting a boundary, which is telling her what YOU will do, "if X" happens. See the difference? It may seem small - but it's a vital distinction.


So, she obviously didn't care if you or her children heard her. If D8 interrupting her phone/Internet sex had no influence, I doubt you "asking" her to keep it down will. Besides, have you thought about what you will do if she doesn't? B/c she didn't, and you can't keep "asking" her b/c every time you state a boundary it weakens it. And you really didn't state it, you asked.

THIS^^^....

You have to know what you can control and what you can't. You can't control her, so that means if she doesn't honor your stated boundary, then the action has to come from you.

and THIS^^^

How will you protect yourself (or your children) when a boundary is broken? That is what you have to think about before you spout off something and label it a "boundary".

If you are going to tolerate her living in the same house with you and the children while she conducts her A under the same roof, then you have to come up with a better plan to at least shield your children from her waywardness. She has no sense of sexual morals right now, and I'm sure you do not want your children exposed to what their mother is doing down in the basement. So, you have to think it through and decide what you can and can't do about it.

Your W is a serial cheater. You've had one A. This relationship is very damaged and if the two of you ever decide to try to work it out again, you better get the top professional to help and not just "look past it". That does not work.

I'll go back thru your thread again, to see what insights you have shared about what YOU learned from the A you had.

But 2+ affairs in a marriage, on both sides, puts you in a fragile place.

Also, how did SHE forgive you for your A, OR DID SHE? I think that may be an important thing to consider.

Did you ever wonder if there was a "tit for tat" element involved in any of this?

And finally, though this is not something your marriage can handle now and may not ever be able to,

I just want to say one thing about female male friendships.

I'm a veteran of the Army JAG Corps. When I was active duty, 85% of the JAG Corps was male. My last assignment had zero women in the office or around.

There was no way to have any friends if they were not going to be male. And no, I did not have an A.

I always invited my h to join us but he was in his medical residency and had unrelentingly long hours. In fact, during his 4 years of internship and residency,
and 3 years as a staff physician in the burn unit, we were able to have lunch ONCE...literally.

My point is, some people can manage this. I feel like I'm one of them. Maybe it's b/c I have 5 brothers, so I am used to being around men and NOT feeling sexual about them...the one time I really was tempted to have an A, it was not with a man I worked with, and I visited a chaplain and shrink to ask what the heck I was doing, b/c I was lost. Neglected, lonely, etc....my feelings were valid b/c hey, h did neglect me. I was lonely! Acting on those feelings was what I had to avoid, and did. So back to you...

However, if I or my h had a history of A's, then no, the "private friendships" would NOT be alright. Why couldn't she invite you to go along?

And btw, the men I'd occasionally do lunch with on occasion or do physical training with (we HAD to do that, by regulation)

were usually not the most handsome. Why?

Because I'm no fool. If Brad Pitt or Kevin Costner had been around then, I'd have made sure he was NOT the guy I hung with privately.

(You don't open a bottle of wine in a hotel room, with someone you KNOW you have chemistry with, b/c it's stupidly risky to put yourself in that situation).

Now, back to your thread...