barely holding on - 7

[u-turn]

I spent the night trying to quiet the demons in my head without much luck. I was emotional again, awake all night, worrying about my family, praying (which is new for me). W has been away on business and the fact that she has no interest in reassuring me that I can trust her speaks loudly to me. Not being able to trust her is clearly going to be my issue and I don't want to continue like this.

Today I need to get a handle on my finances. I have never done this well. W has handled that portion of our family, but I need to know where we are. I am a little fearful as to what I am going to find. This may be snooping (seeing her transactions), but I have the right to know and need to take control so I know what I am dealing with for myself and kids prior to S/D.

She is going to come home tonight and be nice and friendly - I know this. She'll have a million stories about work and nothing about what she knows I am concerned about. She will act like it's just a non-issue not even worth mentioning.

Hey W. you just spent an entire year lying to me and now you have the exact opportunity to do the same. How is it any different. Nothing has changed for me to start trusting you. Being nice to me, hugging me, laying next to me doesn't change a thing.