I have been advised to post in the MLC section: My questions are at the bottom. Its like a soap story so sorry for the long post...
Before my H and I got together, I told him I wanted kids and this was a dealbreaker to me for starting a relationship but he said he wanted a kid too and 2 was ok just not 3 (his ex had 3 kids from a previous relationship). A year and a half after the birth of our daughter (whom he dearly loves) he started to backtrack on no 2. He's got some serious ocd's and might have a mild form of autism and/or adhd, so he cant handle chaos or busy-ness well. I get that. But a 2nd was part of the deal. My ovaries were literally all over the place. I pressured him and tried to convince him for a year. One night we did it w/o protection and I got pregnant. He warmed up to the idea until we found out it was twins. He said he couldnt survive that and neither would our marriage. But he would actually like another baby so if I aborted we could try again AND work on our marriage (he felt unheard and distrespected because of my pressuring and tho we had regular s** he wanted more experimental stuff than i was comfortable with. He said I was tired a lot and too busy w our daughter and not enough w him so we were having problems). I did the abortion to save our marriage and family but regretted it immediately (religious) got depressed after and was very sad and negative and blamed him partially. He was already gone 3 nights a week before the abortion but after he went on a party spree (dance lessons) 4-6 nights a week. About 4 weeks after the abortion he started an affair. I didnt find out till 3 mo later. During it he backtracked on trying again. Later I understood why. I confronted him in a controlled manner about the affair (unprotected s** too) and tho he was very unapologetic he agreed to end it and work on us. But before working on us first he needed space. So he kept dancing, 5-6 nights a week to calm down. OCD's....
After the abortion my body didnt recover. During all this I was being investigated for infertility and it was said I could surely not get pregnant soon (maybe never). A month after discovering the affair I discovered I was 4w pregnant again.
H went totally off it. I said I cant abort again. I would become more depressed, didnt believe it would save the marriage anymore and most of all I felt it was morally wrong. He feels distespected by a decidion he does nog support, had no say in and a bsby he doesnt want. For the rest of his life.
Ever since we ve spiralled down. We havent had s** since beginning Nov. He finally agreed to councelling but 3d before (a week ago) he dropped the D bomb.
He says he cant do it anymore, he's been miserable for a year now and he doesnt want to split up our family and loves me but not like before. And he s too hurt and angry that Im taking part of his life away by refusing to abort the baby and he's not attracted to me anymore and thinks it ll never work cause Im sexually not adventurous enough and he isnow finally getting female attention he missed when he was younger and he wants to enjoy that with women more adventurous without hurting me. And he likes to do activities w me but doesnt want the responsability so best we D before he cheats again.
He wants me to stay with him in his house until after the baby is born so he can help out. But my friend says he s doing it for HIM so he can feel less bad (making your 5mo pregnant wife leave weighs on him and looks bad) and that with D come consequences like missing out on having access to your kids full time and he should feel that.
Now after a horrible weekend he's calmed down a bit. Says he doednt want us to split but he cant do this any more. Agreed to come to counceling but to fill in how we can move forward, most likely in divorce. So we went and he wants to try again but says he wants to enjoy his newfound attratctiveness to women too. Cant guarantee he wont cheat. Doesnt want to hurt me so wants divorce, or if we stay together an 'open relationship'. Not very open for me as Im 5mo pregnant and can not also have flings. Which i dont want anyway. He would like a year to do things with other women but cant guarantee that after he d come back
Im so conflicted. It would physically and financially be easier for me to stay. And Im hoping that he ll change his mind on us if he sees me independent and happy and active DB'ing. Im trying to do a 180. But I dont want him to 'ease' in to separation while not feeling consequences. While maybe starting with another woman. I dont want him to sleep with other women, especially now. And he s not 'being there for me' so staying wont buy me more free time or support since he s not around much. Only time to save money and a possible shot at a change of heart on his side. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? STAY OR GO?? Any other advice??
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
First of all - let me say, I agree with your H on one tiny part. He should have had the say in whether to have a second child - if he didn't want one, he shouldn't be tricked or forced into it. People can change their mind once the reality of parenthood hits, unfortunately.
HOWEVER - if he didn't want one he also should have gotten a vasectomy and used a condom every time. And once your WERE pregnant, I think it's despicable and selfish to request that you abort it. It's one thing to say "gee, I don't want this and I think I'll leave", it's another to ask you to make such a soul-destroying choice. Twice.
And his OCD and other issues notwithstanding, (and yes I am very familiar with OCD!), the truth here is he is cheating and may or may not want to come back (I'd be interested to hear the story of his relationship with the woman with three kids, maybe this is his pattern of bailing when things get real?).
If you can swing it, I'd vote for separation - drop the rope, let him live with the reality of his decisions, let him miss you. Do you have family you could move in with? Are you employed? You might need to file for separation or divorce in order to get a temporary support order. You might at least visit an attorney to find out your rights and the best way to proceed financially.
Note that I am NOT telling you to divorce him right now. But to drop the rope, appear as if you're moving on, as if you are taking him at his word - sometimes that dose of reality will wake them up. Continuing to pull on him, discuss, present your arguments for why you should work it out - he's not going to hear any of that right now.
And be prepared, there's a possibility that once you let go and focus on your own life - you might not want him back. I'd find it awfully hard to forgive him for pushing for the abortion. You may be too close to everything right now to see how unhealthy this relationship has been.
But you don't have to decide any of this today. See a lawyer and find out your options. Figure out how the finances would work in different options. If you can, move and drop the rope.
Hi KML. I do agree that I pushed him too much. I wasnt thinking too much about his feelings just about mine. It was wrong. I do also think its wrong to say 'yes 2 is fine' to a woman who has stated that this is a dealbreaker for starting a relationship, and retract after kid1 is there. Like what am I supposed to do? Ruin my childs family because dad changed his mind? No. So that is also unfair. However it doesnt change that pressuring him was wrong. That he did something doesnt make it ok for me to do the same. I do regret it and didnt realize how much it hurt his feelings. I wish I had been less obsessed and pushy. To his defense he thought about a vasectomy but because I was considered to be infertile had postoned. So he couldnt have known. Yes his previous relationships ended in cheating too. So I was warned. However I can live with a one night stand or small fling once every x years, but not every month. Or a full blown affair. And someone just being a continuous @ss at home and not supporting his family. Im considering staying and GAL while pregnant. For convenience and the hope that he will change his mind. I can get my options sorted during that time (get formal mortgage advice, start looking for real estate agents, look for schools near my mom where would live: become prepared yo move on) Im not sure if/how long I can ignore any affair that he might start. Though pretending nog to care and be busy moving on mighthelp me ignore it. If i really need to I can stay at my moms for a few weeks. If I feel he is not bonding with the baby or making an effort i might ask him to leave until I find a place.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Pretty sure he's probably cheating right now, especially if he's gone dancing several nights a week and is not working on the relationship.
You deserve to be treated better, don't forget that.
If you are staying there for now, work out an every-other-night childcare arrangement with him so that YOU can go out and GAL (even if in reality you just go to a coffee shop and read). Dress up real nice and put perfume on before you go out. Let him wonder about where YOU are and what YOU might be doing for a change.
