Quote:
Last night my W clearly decided to push against the boundaries I had set up. I had asked her to keep it down if she was going to choose to talk to the OM


She pushed......and what did you do?

How exactly did you state it to her?

IDK, Andy, I realize you are learning about boundaries, but that sounds a little weak. When you set a boundary, you have to be prepared to know what YOU will do if that boundary is not honored. To me, what you told her was like saying, "When you and OM have phone sex or Internet sex (whichever it is), will you just try not to get so loud, please?"

So, she obviously didn't care if you or her children heard her. If D8 interrupting her phone/Internet sex had no influence, I doubt you "asking" her to keep it down will. Besides, have you thought about what you will do if she doesn't? B/c she didn't, and you can't keep "asking" her b/c every time you state a boundary it weakens it. And you really didn't state it, you asked.

You have to know what you can control and what you can't. You can't control her, so that means if she doesn't honor your stated boundary, then the action has to come from you. How will you protect yourself (or your children) when a boundary is broken? That is what you have to think about before you spout off something and label it a "boundary".

If you are going to tolerate her living in the same house with you and the children while she conducts her A under the same roof, then you have to come up with a better plan to at least shield your children from her waywardness. She has no sense of sexual morals right now, and I'm sure you do not want your children exposed to what their mother is doing down in the basement. So, you have to think it through and decide what you can and can't do about it.

Your W is a serial cheater. You've had one A. This relationship is very damaged and if the two of you ever decide to try to work it out again, you better get the top professional to help and not just "look past it". That does not work.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!