Singing in the Lifeboat

[daring]

Arrgghh! It feels like I have a couple good days, feel like I'm getting my self esteem and forward thinking back where it needs to be and then BAM! I have an emotionally down day.

I don't think it was anything specific. Maybe it's just little things. I don't really know. Monday H texted me saying he had started making calls on the house in FL and finally figured out what lender owned it but couldn't get any info on what we owe. Uh gee thanks for making an effort after I've already started taking care of it. I texted him back I had already sent all the paperwork to the FL lawyer to review and help with.
Then yesterday I sent him a list of all the things that need to be moved in order to separate our finances. He emailed back a couple hours later that he had just done some of it. Then I get a barrage of texts about how I'm going to get a call from our bank about separating auto insurance etc and that we need to close certain accounts. Again I'm thinking- ok you are the one divorcing me and I'm sending you info and staying on top of the finance stuff and every time I do you suddenly become engaged and tell me what needs to be done. Annoying!!

In other news I signed up on one of the less well known dating sites just to see what's out there. I put in my profile that I was in the process of finalizing a divorce and I have no intention of dating until that's done but would be willing to meet some new people as friends. I wanted to be transparent and not have creepy people messaging me.
Then last night S8 was telling me how he went to an indoor play place over the weekend with so and so who is babysitted by daddy's " friend". Of course my brain starts spinning.... Is he dating already and bringing people around my kids under the guise of "friends"? Of course that very well could be all she is. I need to quit focusing on that type of stuff but it's hard.

I'll be glad when I get back to a few days of regaining my mojo!!

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Daring,

Sounds like you are handling things well. I know your D appears to be coming fast. I can tell you from my perspective almost one week after D day that it ultimately is just another day like every other. I can say it does remove some weight from your shoulders. No longer will you have lawyers and the court involved in your life. You also have a clearer path to making plans for your life. Its just another chapter in your life. You may or may not reconcile. It will be what it will be. As long as you are happy with your own growth then all is well.

[123Gwen]

Hang in there Daring.

[daring]

Thanks LT- yes I hope having it behind me will help some.

123Gwen- I'm hangin'!!

Went to IC and boot camp yesterday so that helped quite a bit!! Plus even though I'm not responding or agreeing to meet up with anyone, I've gotten some nice comments on my online profile which is a nice little confidence booster.

One day at a time.......

[TSquared2]

Thanks LT- yes I hope having it behind me will help some.

Know that it will help, quite a bit. Getting out of limbo takes a huge weight off, imo.

Still there are feelings to process, to be sure. They will probably come around in waves...

But you at least know what is what in your life.

Hang in there, it does get better!!

[daring]

Thank you T2- your words mean a lot to me. I have followed the latter part of your sitch and the way you have gone about everything is something to aspire to.

So I sent H a text yesterday about some financial documents. I'm going to post the texts because I think the dialogue is interesting to see. I think he has definitely hit a point of insight ( he realizes a lot of what he has done and the impact),
But I don't think he's fully realized not is he doing the work on himself that is necessary no matter what relationship he's in in the future.

Me: Do you get back tonight or tomorrow?
I'm still waiting to hear from lawyer in FL but need some other documention from you when you get a chance.

H: What can I get doc wise?

Me: Something showing how much you got from your portion of leftover company money and who/what the amount I have to payback is owed to.

H: so you want to formalize all of that ?  I was going to have them remove the spreadsheet almost completely on the next revision once we had the numbers for the house refinance and foreclosure info

Me: Ok you hadn't told me that. I'm open to discussing it all with you but I want to be sure that it's all truthful and accurate. Let's try to talk this weekend if that's good with you.

H: yeah we haven’t talked much about it recently was just waiting for info and then making it much easier and removing all the simple crap and focusing only on the bigger stuff that matters to both of us (as much as possible).  so what did the appraisal come back at? also did I do something to lose your trust?

Me: Appraisal hasn't happened yet. End of this week or early next week.
It's not something specific but the data on the house in FL was just thrown out there without much evaluation and it could realistically be much better or worse than the snippet of info that's available right now. Then in thinking about our conversations on the payback of company money sometimes it seemed urgent ( ie it's to IRS as well as former partner) and sometimes not ( it can wait until 2017 to be paid).
I had no idea you were living off the money from your company and had I known I might have asked for some help with school and nanny expenses all these months. Would have helped me save up more for IRS. You kept it hush hush.
I just feel like I'm in the dark about what everything really is and since you've kept all your finances separate for the last year and a half I don't have any idea about anything.
Mine are an open book- my personal account has been used only as a holding cell for bonuses etc and transferred to the other accounts to pay stuff.
I'm just feeling very unsure.

H: ok fair enough on all topics.  I am willing to listen and respond to all of this as appropriate.  I appreciate all your candor in sharing it with me it helps to be open about what is bothering one another.  I’m wasn’t hiding - I was figuring it out as fast as I could and never really sat down to finalize it properly.  just knew we had a problem to solve and did what I could to solve it.  sounds like there is lots to discuss once we have all the facts together.  I’m happy to do that.  I’ve always tried my best to help out in every way I can along the way (never mind wrong conversation) we’ll talk about all of it soon.  I am sorry that I left you feeling unsure.


So of course when he said have I done something to lose your trust I wanted to say " you mean other than the EA, walking out on me and hurting your kids? No nothing at all". But I didnt. I stuck with the facts at hand.

I find it interesting that everytime I stand up and push back on some things, he backs down.
I'm not expecting this D process to stop, just carrying my clipboard around doing MLC research.

[daring]

Today was clean out mom's place- whew what a mess! She should have been on an episode of hoarders! Thankfully S20 and S17 were helping and they were awesome. It was fun to spend time with them like that

I asked H to borrow his truck and he brought it over. Tonight when he came by to switch back he looked so cute. He's losing some weight and getting in shape ( has been for awhile) and was in jeans that looked really nice. My what if mind wandered a bit.

Back to reality....

[CaliGuy]

daring ... catching up.

LOL @ you checking out the goods ... I am guilty in that area aswell. And Kudos to locking up the tongue when he asked what he did to lose your trust .. I have had many moments like that. They leave it so wide open and it could easily be hit out of the park served up that way!

[daring]

Ha thanks Cali- I had yet another opportunity to STFU tonight.

I was mad as hell at H before I even got home.
I knew he got paid on the 15th from his new job and he had said he would make sure he gets me his portion of the monthly expenses for kids. Normally I would be more flexible but I had an unexpected big quarterly tax payment for our nanny, plus the cost of his work travel recently that conveniently came out of his PayPal account that he is having difficulty unlinking from my account, and I'm about to make our first exorbitant IRS payment on Wed.
Oh and my bonus will be late b/c the calculations for the end of year were messed up and they had to go back and redo it.

So I notice it's getting lean until I get paid on Friday and I call H on my way home to see if he can put the money in for the month. No answer. So I get to my house and he's there dropping off kids. So I pull him aside as he's leaving and ask if he has his portion yet? He sits down and calculates it all and whaddya know- he does- and transfers it over ( we have kept one joint account to transfer in money for kids expenses). So I think I might have shot daggers out my eyeballs but I kept my words appropriate.
Then he says " S17 tells me something about using your moms car?" ( since my mom had the stroke I thought about it and S17 wants to but H thinks it's unsafe). I reminded him I put a lot of money into it for her to be sure it was ok when she was picking up S8 from school.
So he says " my suggestion is sell your moms car and the minivan you don't use much and buy him something else".
So I said " thank you for your suggestion, it's been noted".
Well..... Then the angry he can't be in control H says with voice terse " I'm not comfortable with him driving that car". I said " I understand that, however, I'm not able to buy him one right now ( thinking but not saying- because you mother f-er left me with this IRS bill) are you going to? I'm doing what I can and he may have to start with that car". He says " I'm not ok with it". I said " I see that- and you are telling me in a very aggressive manner". He takes a deep breath, calms his voice, and restates his position in a much nicer tone. I say we will see.
Then he says " do you need anything else?" I said no- thank you. Then I remembered he hadn't told me if he fixed our toll tags that are running up money b/c the cc he has them linked to has expired. I asked if he'd done it and he said no. I got frustrated and told him we were running up payments we don't need to. ( they charge you double or triple if it's not coming out automatically). He gets a little pi$$y again and says I know but I have to work too. I said yes and if I ( who works way more hours than you) could go fix it I would but the accounts are all under you. After blah blahing some more he left.

I am just so annoyed- I don't like having to babysit all this!!
Maybe I should apologize for being so angry??? I have so much on my plate I can't be my usual nice and patient about this BS!

[uRworthy]

You know, Daring, sometimes you have to say what you need to say. He needs to step up and sorry if it interferes with his life plans, but, he they are his children, too.

I think you did fine in a stressful conversation. He needs to get over himself.