The crazy train came up full force last night and is still bubbling under. I had felt really good for a few weeks and weathered some potential hot buttons. And BOOM! That caca blew right up on me yesterday. I just shut down and cuddled with s4.
Some days, I feel like there is a very deep issue of control/sexuality for me. It's like I switched out the ED for sexuality-not actually having sex, but the overall insatiable desire to be wanted and in control. I know we all want to ve sees ores. I want to be wanted and totally in control as to how that pans out. It's ridiculous because I must let go and let things transpire. I so very very very much struggle with this. I am crying as I type that. Ugh! $&@?!!!!! Men are triggers for me-at least ones I am attracted to in a physical sense. Which is good that there are so very very few I'm attracted to. However, I feel like I am empty when it comes to men. Not that I can't laugh. I'm not even afraid to love or open up again. I just don't feel like doing it. I'm sure that will change one day.
This may sound silly, although I've always been envious of people who seamlessly seem to easily be attracted to people and move from R to R. Isn't that crazy? I realize some of those people can't be alone, however, I always feel like I just don't connect with most people. I guess that's okay. I don't know.
I was teetering on territory with a friend of mine (and there has always been an attraction there) and I just said, "I can't talk to you right now. I just can't." And it's not even a fear of being hurt-hails bells I'm not even invested enough to allow myself to get hurt. I just feel like I sound like a whack job some days and I'm just boring.
Sorry to throw up. Just had to get it out there:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
