Ganb8te 4 - Putting on my giraffe ears

[gan]

Gg and Jim - I take your point about it ending up as an argument/sounding passive aggressive. I think I did a crummy job with the set up. I probably can’t better it now so suggest you head on over to Youtube and watch the video (there’s a 3hr video, the bit I’m talking about is at around 1hr and lasts for about 5 minutes). The conversation that immediately follows between the giraffe and the jackal is more interesting - relates nicely to the 5LL. Actually the whole thing is interesting as you hear how difficult workshop attendees find it to distinguish judgements from observations and clearly communicate their feelings and needs. I think one guy had an epiphany about the fact that the dirty dishes might not be so bad after all, after he struggled to articulate what his unmet need was that came from that. All I could thing was - let it go, mate! (my personality type coming through there - see below)

Jim and Edz - you joke, but you guys have really brightened my spirits with your banter and weird references that I don’t understand. It’s a really nice contrast to all the seriousness in my life at the moment. You are most welcome to continue…

Zelda - thanks so much for these insights. I forgot we talked about the listening thing on your thread when you first joined. I haven’t thought about Myers Briggs in a while but think you could be on to something. I’m more an ISTJ (certainly SJ, closer to the middle for the others). H I think is more an ISFJ. So T vs F - similar to you and yours, and the reverse of the usual male/female pattern (at least for ISJ). Actually its one of the things I simultaneously love and find frustrating about my H. Frustrating because it means he does a lot of internal processing that I’m not privy to and I think I could be a better partner if I could tap into that more. So yes, I want to do what I can to make it easier for him to open up and I am genuinely interested in what he has to say even if my communication style may not come across that way at times. The question is - what are the right questions, given no R talk? I’m intrigued to read that you think you got somewhere by saying you are committed to learning a new skill (as distinct from changing a a personality type). That’s exactly how I feel about it, hence why I think this is all totally solvable (there goes my ISTJ personality talking again). I need to develop skills in empathetic listening and validate; he needs to learn to share what he’s feeling and give me the benefit of the doubt if I come across as uncaring as that is rarely my intention. But I can only work on me, and hopefully improve our interactions though that.

Labug - "I think it affects you more than it affects me” It’s an interesting phrase and things like tone and context would have contributed to how you heard it. If only an IC fairy could come along and freeze time for us in those moments so that we could figure it out there and then and respond differently! Actually, to me it sounds like maybe H wasn’t validating YOUR concerns (be that in regards to the issue with S22, or more deep seated ones like you mentioned). I’m guessing you have read NVC, so you’ll know that the other side to it is about communicating our feelings and needs in a way that inspires compassion from the other person. Something like “When [X happens], it makes me feel [Y] because I have a need for [Z].” Could you have raised the issue in a different way that resulted in the response you were looking for? Was there an X Y Z in the issue with S22 (not suggesting you need to share, just putting it out there as an idea to mull over).

which brings be back to:

Zelda - yes, I’ve been thinking for a while that many people here seem to take on a disproportionate burden of the responsibility for the failings in their M. In the end I think the biggest lesson in all of this is that we need to learn to forgive OURSELVES for being a less-than-perfect partner. I for one move forward knowing that I’ve been enlightened by this experience and have made some significant changes to my way of thinking and being, regardless of whether H takes note. I do so hope he does though!