That is why I personally feel there is much needed respite care for you. However, she is making it almost impossible with her constant texting and calls. She takes no heed to you telling her not to contact unless it is an emergency. So, that keeps you emotionally and physically drained. And also, b/c some of us have a different opinion about you responding back to her, I think it keeps you in an unstable frame of mind. You read one post that explains the pros of responding and then another of the cons, so it leaves you wishy-washy. Which isn't entirely your fault b/c you are still a newcomer and everyone's advice sounds right. I can certainly understand how that would mentally wear you out.
I have had experiences where I had to emotionally detach from marriage conflict, church conflict, family conflict, friendship conflict, co-worker conflict, etc. But I think nothing is as intense as dealing with a wayward spouse. And those who have gone through it and succeeded with emotionally detachment could probably give you first hand experience, since I was the WW in my stitch. All I can tell you about detaching from any emotional conflict with another person or group, is it's a state of mind that only you can control. It is a calmness, or peace with yourself, and a steadfastness of purpose to manage your emotions/behavior in spite of the stitch. And in order to do be able to accomplish that, you have to do the work on your mindset. For me, my strength comes from my spiritual belief. For others, they rely upon whatever their belief system may be, but IMHO, it seems that it would require some kind of instilled or new found knowledge/belief for application to your specific and personal situation. There are many sources of information out there, whether religious or not, designed to guide people through personal trials. What works for me may not be your cup of tea. That's like the Power of Positive Thinking, it is a great source...but for me, I had to have more than just trying to train my brain to think positive in everything. I do admire those who can, but I had to have more broken down and know the spiritual source was much stronger than depending on myself. But that's just me.
HP, you can reach that level of calmness that will allow you to deal with the irritations of your W. I still believe she is wanting to get her needs met through both you and OM. She wants your friendship, conversational relationship, and family events. If you can settle for that without any expectations.......that is your decision to make. Some people, including MWD, believe in being friends with the WAS. However, she says in Divorce Remedy that if the S refuses to end their A, to get a lawyer and file. So the way I interpreted much of her advice was not applicable when the wayward spouse simply refused to end their A. But it is the personal decision of the individual as the length of time they endure the infidelity.
I think whatever you decide to do about the contacting--or NC, you need to be consistent. When you respond part of the time then get angry and refuse to answer, that's not good. It is not giving her a clear picture of you. She will not give up her manipulative tactics. Everyone has to decide "what works" for them in their stitch. You've tried a little of this and that, but no consistency. I can see what a challenge it would be with your W!!
You are so tormented my friend, and I think I can speak for everyone when I say we just want to see you have peace. IMO, there are two things that should be your priority, the physical & mental health of S12, and your own peace of mind. Try your best to get your focus off of W's thoughts and actions, and focus on those two priorities.
I hope today will be the beginning of your peace of mind.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
