Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

Thank you sofaraway, 25, happy, and Pink.

Yes that moment was about me again. Brooding is not good. Understood.

I did have a good time with S12 and he did go to bed happy and he said he's thankful for this condo and his friends and his school when we said our gratitude prayer. We also prayed for his mom as usual. Made sure he called his mom and said good night.

I'm breathing... remembering my meditation practice and letting go of expectations.

I'm encouraged by the how I've been able to control my emotions interacting with W over the past 3 days. Tomorrow I'll focus on keeping high PMA with her texts and calls. Confident, calm, content. Prompt answers on s12 texts. And I'll get that financial email to her up here for review.

Goals for this week are to keep high PMA for me and s12, get some exercise, start meditating again, cook a real meal, and get a Crossfit GAL in.

I have a list of things to change Pink from talks with my W. I'll review it thank you. And yes I can get warmer and more patient with W interactions and no expectations.

Vanilla I'm debating being warmer with W now. I could ask her how her work is going. Not sure if this is the time but I believe I can do it warmly over the phone. She loves to talk. Certainly over text. I'll keep up the politeness of course.

Oh and yes Happy... on the advice. I am very thankful for all of it and yes I get analysis paralysis. Right now it seems staying dim and polite for the rest of the month works for me to keep my emotions in check and get detached. I'll look for chances to be warm.

Sleep now. I can do it. I'll be alright.

Onward.

[MCS]

HP,

Hopefully this helps you, it took me a while to get to this point and I'm still grasping it. I was in the same place as you for the last few months.

Easier said then done, but don't be so hard on yourself. No one said this was easy or not painful.

As sandi said, which helped me (took 5 months to realize it) my W has left the marriage. In her mind it was done when she walked out the door........not thinking about it, or debating it, or considering it, it's done. She does not want to be with me. That's a huge pressure off me. Know why? Because I can only hope for better things right now. How can it get worse? She divorces me? Whether I DB perfectly or not, it will not affect the outcome at all. I need to have faith that I'm doing my best and whatever the end of the story is, was how it's meant to be. That's why they call it LRT, it's the Hail Mary for our R.

Why is it called a Hail Mary? The games done, the score is almost in the books. We heave the ball (ours is over months/years) to the best of our ability in the general direction of the end zone and then it's up to faith that the outcome is going to be what it was meant to be.

It's her decision to leave and her decision if she would want to R. The ONLY thing I can do right now is put my best foot forward FOR ME and realize that I did as much as I could to try and make it work, but it's her decision.

[25yearsmlc]

HP

I'm going to share with you some of the DB coach's advice that I found VERY HARD to do, but which did help.

I was a little upset that it worked b/c it felt "wrong" or doormatish for me at the time. But even then, even in my misery, a part of me knew it made sense.

Anyhow, she said to "LISTEN LIKE A LOVER" to my h when he spoke.

(Not if he was vilifying me or referring to an OW), but when he would talk about his work or career or our family, she said for me NOT to react, but to support..."like a lover"...

At times that felt like Mother Teresa work to me....OMG so very hard. I'd want to shake him and yell "Snap out of it!"

She also said to "lose the anger, at least in front of him" b/c as we all know by now, it pushes them away

and does nothing for us internally either.

(Those who say "venting helps me," are not lying, per se. But it only helps if you feel better and calmer later on.
Usually I see people venting here, who stay stuck in their anger and become "victims" in their own eyes.

In other words, don't vent unless it actually serves you well. Seems obvious, but it's not).

You have heard that you must *Become a man only a fool would leave.*

But what does that^^ look like, to you?

Be as specific as you can, in describing that *man*, so you know what you are aiming for.
Having a PMA is essential.

I won't belabor that point, b/c the only time some folks think that a PMA hurts them, is when they misunderstand what helps and what harms their cause.

The ones who think they must show their pain are in error. Showing your pain does Not convince your w of your love; it just makes you harder to be around.
Guilting a WAS also fails b/c it converts their "guilt" into anger and resentment. And that is only IF you even get somewhere with the guilt. Every woman I know who had an affair, felt justified in doing so. They felt that an affair was a reaction to a marriage missing an essential ingredient; they felt pushed into OM's arms.


(Ouch, I know), HP,

I'm not blaming you, I'm referring to how your wife might feel.

I suggest watching those 2 TED Talk videos, Amy Cuddy's and Shawn Achor's.

They both discuss the empirical data that supports how vital a good PMA is. How it helps us live better lives and how having a PMA also changes us, internally.

As Amy Cuddy says, "it's not 'fake it til you make it', it's fake it til you Become it."

Make sense?

((( )))

[sofaraway]

HP,
From my day 25 is one of the lucky one's that worked hard and made these effective changes that restored her marriage. She knows from experience the value in these behaviors because she has experienced the results of the work. As difficult as it was for her, she consciously made the decision to listen to those who spoke to her and to make changes that would lead her to what she wanted.

I can remember reading posts in which she was ready to lay a pipe across his head and then she would get feedback and head back in the right direction. The point is you have a very strong person giving you advice here so take advantage and learn from her.

Also, I can promise you that we are not telling you to watch these videos and movies just to kill time for you. There is information and guidance in them that will help ease all of this pain and give you some direction that will ease some of the stress that you are feeling.

Ian

[Vanilla]

Lovely advice HP.

The best I can manage is warmth, not red hot, just general ordinary interest in my H and his hobbies or health. Normalising over and over.

To put warmth into your voice on the phone you can smile and stand when you are talking to W , look upwards and to the right and hold your unused hand rested at your side. Think yellow. Aim for 25% of the conversation. Separate functional admin from the emotional. No alcohol, food or gum.

On texts use warm fiuzzy words, no negatives, express things as positive and active. open questions. Reflect back, finish first but be civil.

ask for small easily done favours, then say thank you.

In person they say look into the eyes, I find that too personal so I look at a spot between the eyes, think of something you really like, a sitcom and smile, makes the smile genuine. Reflect back and mild mirroring of posture, lean forward. No arm folding in front or behind. If anxious hold a small object in your hand.

These were techniques I was taught on a negotiating skills course which I now use. Felt unnatural at first but now it's easier. I practised at work to get it right and in low risk situations where mistakes mattered less.

There are probably newer and better resources available but the above is from my course notes. But basically it is acting as if.
Vanilla

[Karma12]

HP the best revenge in life is to be happy. In the last two days I was told about two people I knew that had passed away. Both were younger than myself. I see people at work all the time get horrible diagnoses. Life is short. Your son only has one childhood.

An only child is very aware of the moods of their parents. They have no siblings to share life's ups and downs with so they focus on the grown ups in their lives. 25 is right. Your son is watching you and your moods.

This is not where any of us thought we would find ourselves in life. Life is not fair sometimes. The only thing you can do is work to GAL. The business and distraction will help you not obsess about your wife. That doesn't mean you are over the loss or not hoping for a different out come. It means life will go on with or without us and it's time to start living.

Get to know yourself. What do you like to do for fun? Try new things. Try to be grateful for one thing each day before going to sleep. Take your son out. Do things together. Create memories he will look back on fondly. You can do this HP.

[sandi2]

How can do you fully detach emotionally? Sandi2?

That is why I personally feel there is much needed respite care for you. However, she is making it almost impossible with her constant texting and calls. She takes no heed to you telling her not to contact unless it is an emergency. So, that keeps you emotionally and physically drained. And also, b/c some of us have a different opinion about you responding back to her, I think it keeps you in an unstable frame of mind. You read one post that explains the pros of responding and then another of the cons, so it leaves you wishy-washy. Which isn't entirely your fault b/c you are still a newcomer and everyone's advice sounds right. I can certainly understand how that would mentally wear you out.

I have had experiences where I had to emotionally detach from marriage conflict, church conflict, family conflict, friendship conflict, co-worker conflict, etc. But I think nothing is as intense as dealing with a wayward spouse. And those who have gone through it and succeeded with emotionally detachment could probably give you first hand experience, since I was the WW in my stitch. All I can tell you about detaching from any emotional conflict with another person or group, is it's a state of mind that only you can control. It is a calmness, or peace with yourself, and a steadfastness of purpose to manage your emotions/behavior in spite of the stitch. And in order to do be able to accomplish that, you have to do the work on your mindset. For me, my strength comes from my spiritual belief. For others, they rely upon whatever their belief system may be, but IMHO, it seems that it would require some kind of instilled or new found knowledge/belief for application to your specific and personal situation. There are many sources of information out there, whether religious or not, designed to guide people through personal trials. What works for me may not be your cup of tea. That's like the Power of Positive Thinking, it is a great source...but for me, I had to have more than just trying to train my brain to think positive in everything. I do admire those who can, but I had to have more broken down and know the spiritual source was much stronger than depending on myself. But that's just me.

HP, you can reach that level of calmness that will allow you to deal with the irritations of your W. I still believe she is wanting to get her needs met through both you and OM. She wants your friendship, conversational relationship, and family events. If you can settle for that without any expectations.......that is your decision to make. Some people, including MWD, believe in being friends with the WAS. However, she says in Divorce Remedy that if the S refuses to end their A, to get a lawyer and file. So the way I interpreted much of her advice was not applicable when the wayward spouse simply refused to end their A. But it is the personal decision of the individual as the length of time they endure the infidelity.

I think whatever you decide to do about the contacting--or NC, you need to be consistent. When you respond part of the time then get angry and refuse to answer, that's not good. It is not giving her a clear picture of you. She will not give up her manipulative tactics. Everyone has to decide "what works" for them in their stitch. You've tried a little of this and that, but no consistency. I can see what a challenge it would be with your W!!

You are so tormented my friend, and I think I can speak for everyone when I say we just want to see you have peace. IMO, there are two things that should be your priority, the physical & mental health of S12, and your own peace of mind. Try your best to get your focus off of W's thoughts and actions, and focus on those two priorities.

I hope today will be the beginning of your peace of mind.

[Pink17]

HP,

These words from Sandy are a great advice and a great psychological support. Follow you heart.

Your road have been rocky but you can do it, you are very persistent, very capable and have a good spirit. You are a great person with great values. You will be OK.

I also pray and hope that you have a more peaceful day today and that it will be a start of many days of joy ahead of you.

Hugs,
Pink

[HPoirot]

Thank you MCS, 25, Sandi, Pink, Karma, and sofaraway.

I did watch the TED videos 25 and they are helpful. I will find the movie you recommend sofaraway and watch it. Maybe my boy will watch it too.

Yesterday I decided I wouldn't post or visit the forums and... like you said Karma... really just focus on happiness for myself for a day so I could then do it the next. As you said Sandi... a respite. I planned to make it until the weekend.

I picked up a pretty inspirational book my dad got for me. A very new agey story but interesting and about making your own happiness and energy. I got lost in it and doing so did lighten my load.

Last night I also sat at the table for dinner with my son and we talked a lot. He was sad and stressed again. I kept PMA and he brightened and we had a nice time. I want to thank you all for stressing I must step away from W and be happy.

Since W has started to communicate less, I decided to be good and authentic with her contacts like sofaraway said... just answer S12 related texts and calls normally.

Overall, be upbeat... find things to occupy my mind... show S12 a happy dad... keep moving without W.

So I did not hear from W all day yesterday. In the evening... I had S12 call his mom to say goodnight. She then texted me to ask if she could take him to school in the morning. I immediately answered "Hello W. Sure." She thanked me in her reply.

This morning, I reminded S12 to be nice and respectful to his mom as he left. No problem.

Later, I get a call from W. I answered. Looking back on it, I sounded just even... no so upbeat. She sounded tired.

She mentioned that I'm taking s12 to basketball practice tonight. She said she could show up and asked if she and I could go somewhere and talk during practice. I asked what about. She said about money, S12, and stuff in general. I said I'd prefer to watch the practice. Repeated she could send me an email with what she wanted to talk about and I'd get back to her. She started to say something else. I told her I was busy and was there anything else. She said no. I said OK talk to you later and I hung up.

So right I'm unfocused.

My goal is to get to R. My happy and peaceful goal today is to work on my life and detach from her and not hear from her much less sit and speak to her whenever she wants.

I see how listening like a lover through friendship, conversational relationship, and family events is the bridge between those 2 places. If I feel empathetic... I can get there.

Feeling more and more like a WAH everyday, though.

That, and my OW from 5 years ago called me again yesterday. We talked for a long while about the issues in her life and mine. It felt wonderful to share like that again.

I know I'm re-learning now to live on my own... find and grow my own happiness. Right now, my W doesn't add to my happiness at all.

We'll see if she shows up tonight.

Other than that... back to my day.

Thank you all again. I'll get back to do the work you tasked me with Wonka and others first chance I get.

[Drew]

My goal is to get to R.

That, and my OW from 5 years ago called me again yesterday. We talked for a long while about the issues in her life and mine. It felt wonderful to share like that again.

Those two statements are diametrically opposed.