Strong EA after 2 years of marriage. Need advice.

[Complex]

So, back to the LIMBO,

I want to get out of the limbo asap. Book isn't here yet.
I understand and apply my position but I just don't have a script, I don't know what to say.
I do not accept to do any D or whatsoever talking unless OM is out of the picture, or at least NC (which is rather hard, they see each other once or twice a week at work). She basically has to tell him that they can't have any contact anymore.
And she has to be truthful about it and stop lying. How can I even trust her now?
I want this to be between us.
Of course her position is 'D either way' right now, with or without OM.

HOW do I tell her that without making an ultimatum to her??

She obv needs to want that. I need to transform Starkys suggestion of my position into words (without letting her know that I actually want to save the marriage of course)

"Look, I understand that our marriage took a long time to get to where it is, but I'm not willing to work at it or even TALK about it as long as you unilaterally decided to bring a third person into it by having an affair. End your contact with this man, and come back and work on our marriage with me and I think you'll find that I am more than willing to work on any and all issues, including my own."

It feels like she doesn't want to take any responsibilty for her actions, she doesn't do D talk, whatsoever. No one in family knows yet. She doesn't face any consequences yet except of me starting to set boundaries.