D just got off the phone with H for their nightly goodnight talk.
She asked, completely out of the blue, "WHY ARE YOU GUYS SEPARATED".
H always wants to know what "triggers" stuff. And he's really skeptical and distrusting so he often asks me later "did you tell her to ask me that?"
I have never told her to ask him anything. I would never do that. The fact that he even goes there is offensive but whatever.
In response to her question he said, "This is just how it is now. I know you don't like it and it's not what you want but it really will be ok no matter what, ok? It's just how it is"
No reference at all to anything changing and in the moment I felt ok about that. That there's a pretty good chance he will never be moving back home and in the moment, my heart didn't shatter at the thought of that.
After he and D got off the phone, D curled up on my lap and said, "can you explain to me why?"
I just said that marriage can sometimes be very difficult and complicated and sometimes the two adults are unable to workout the issues. I affirmed her feelings, asked if she wanted to talk to Aunt Kelsey (my BFF whose parents divorced when she was 12 and D adores her), someone who completely understands her feelings and what it's like.
D went on to say that the only thing good about all this is that if one of us remarry, there could be a chance she could have siblings and she'd love that. Silly girl... but it's so like her to find the silver lining.
Anyway, this post is more about the fact that I didn't crumble or even get that stabbing pain in my chest when H said, "this is just how it is now". I don't feel incredible resentment, pain, anger, loss, abandonment as much as I feel like I'm coming to terms with it all.
I can't make him look inward. I can't make him do the work. I can't make him own his part. I can't make it work alone.
I just hope D sees that I tried. I really, really, really, REALLY tried.
