I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)

[Mozza]

I also think you're using the kids to control her.

You seem to expect your WAW to act like a W. And it frustrates you immensely that she doesn't. You're trying to force her to have normal W reactions, to care and react the same way she did before. You're unsettled by her new ways and you're trying to force her to have the reactions that are familiar to you.

In a R, you have mutual 'power' over each other because it's an exchange. You promise fidelity in return for that of the other. You promise to care for them because they'll care for you. It's give and take. In a S, it's all out the window. The contract is broken. The person leaving releases you from any obligation, in return for their own freedom.

You don't want your freedom, so you're trying to deny hers, to still enforce the M contract. "Talk to me. Negotiate. Compromise. Explain yourself." You rationalize your positions, as I was explaining before: "Obviously, I'm reasonable and she's not. She should change." Even I think that sometimes your positions are not the only perspective (but they are valid). But the fact is that, she won't do what you want just because you want it. Not anymore.

You explained earlier why you're concerned that the kids will meet OM. Your explanation was about the impact of a S or D, it was not about th impact of meeting OM. You're concerned about them realizing later that their parents have separated. But it's already happened. They will meet OM, this one or another. I think you're trying to prevent your W from spending time with OM and you use the kids to do so. Once you understand that you're S, to me, the reasonable thing about an OM is to agree to introduce him only after certain time has passed (3 months? 6 months? 1 year?) so that it's clear that the R is serious. I don't want my kids to be introduced and get attached to a couple of men a year. It's something I'd suggest to my W, without any way of enforcing it nor guarantee that she will abide. It's something I intend to do when I meet someone, regardless of my WAW. It's just my opinion on this, but you will see that it takes into account that we're S.

I'm sorry your meeting didn't go so well today. It sure feels good to step out of DB and I wish I had the luxury sometimes. By the way, DB is not about being a doormat and you can make strong stances. It's about alpha men, not alpha dogs.

Do you see an IC? I do and it's enlightening, even if it takes time.