Happy - catching up on your thread here, from the post you made on mine...
So here are some similarities:
The statements in your very first post - kind of erratic, severely depressed, withdrawn, helpless statements, lashes out and says awful things - yes, depression is a big deal. You guys have def been on a roller coaster.
I was also pushing my H for kids and it affected our sex lives. I asked him this point blank and he sad it was probably a factor (before BD). The other thing is that guilt for not being the sexy provider and strong part of the M makes it real hard for them (eh...or not). My H recently expressed that his own guilt for not being able to do more has turned to anger, directed everywhere.
The distancing -pursuing thing - here's a thought, brought over from my MC sessions - it may not be that clear cut. What you shared with me about the ENTJ style. Even though my behavior - and maybe your actions to an extent is to pursue and chase - what is your emotional role here? If we are in a similar situation, I would guess you're emotionally the distancer and he's the pursuer.
Mine has also left me and our friends with the vague feeling he never wanted to be M, and got pushed into everything. One of our friends even said it - 'just didn't have the aura of a guy who wanted to be there and build something.' This has nothing to do with love or the relationship, but lack of decisiveness and self-knowledge that I think I was all too happy to make up for. Coloring in blanks for him and meanwhile ignoring his emotional needs. So, with his admission this weekend that he loves building his life around other people and fixing their problems to avoid his own...again, if there is a similarity - he's got to find his center and independence, and maybe there's room for a question for you - was there something attractive to you about his passivity, like clay you could sculpt?
You and your H have been at this for a while. Keep having conversations, have faith. Try to get him to explore the idea of a therapist for the depression if he hasn't already - I think all signs are there.
Mine has also shut down in anger, very guarded, and I have little good input on how to pursue or distance in a way that will break cycles...just what I shared about the validation on my thread. And even then...there were moments a month ago he also opened up and then would shut down and say he had nothing to say, was too angry to make a response.
Good luck to you...I feel so much of your pain. Are you working two jobs on top of all this or just switching?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
