That ENTJ description is spot on. Yeah, I was a little too self-assured and overbearing about stuff he wanted to explore. This, in all of our conversations, but like 10x as frustrated: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
The ILU isn't a 180 for me. I said it a lot. That's because I meant it. All through our talks about maybe getting married he would say he just didn't think I was happy with him - and I didn't understand bc, well, I LOVED HIM. Just not unconditionally, and that is something I am still struggling with - can I truly accept him as he is, even if I can save our M?
See, I also sent a lot of signals that he wasn't good enough, not as smart as me, not capable of figuring out his stuff but I had a plan...I flat out told him sometimes I couldn't respect the way he was thinking, doing xyz...
I think if ILU is said as a declaration like you'd say to Mom, fact, and not a plea, it goes over a bit better, but it's true - just reminds them they're not into the love feelings right now and probably feels like too much. Let your actions communicate appreciation for him if the opportunity arises. A smile and warm eye contact.
Ok, about what works, I'm very new at this, so I'm going to borrow this from another thread I commented on today - when we were sitting at the bar on Sat this weeekend:
"I ask because there were shitty things said on both sides of our fights and I think it got to be where we could hardly say anything mild to each other without hearing some echos of the insults and previous contempt. This hit me while we were at the bar on Sat night and he told me that he couldn't even ask my help for the simplest thing, xyz as an example, without fearing my reaction...I looked at him and at first wanted to imagine this was his insecurity and his issue, but it came from somewhere and I thought of the day I went ballistic single-handedly moving our big furniture into the house from garage because it wasn't getting done fast enough at his pace...and I was pissed thinking he was making excuses 'waiting on my help'. (Ridiculous considering it took two men to load some of those book cases and dressers ...what was I thinking?) He sat in the back yard for hours while I threw my back out. When he finally came in, he quietly offered to make lunch and I sat there on the floor bawling my eyes out feeling embarrassed and sad and still frustrated. No, H, was not crazy for feeling like he didn't want to ask my help. This wasn't his 'stuff' he just randomly accumulated."
So, when he said that to me about how he couldn't ask for help (me, despite being drunk, pulled a super human feat remembering the point of my existence at that bar with him in that moment, and instead of the reaction I wanted to have about him just making excuses over XYZ, this is where I creatively elaborated):
"H, I am so sorry. I had no idea things were this bad. It must have felt awful if you didn't even think you ask me for help with moving a motor into a bucket so you could work on it. But I think I can understand where this came from, maybe? (then recounted the raging furniture episode.)"
His response, his eyes kind of lit up and he said, "Yes, exactly, but it wasn't just one thing, you were always angry and disappointed in me like that, I wasn't lying when I said you would come home and I could feel waves of it."
(old me would have reacted against the 'You' statement and insisted these were counter-productive statements to make in expressing himself. That he should stick to 'I statements'. So instead of being predictably obnoxious, controlling and righteous, I continued the story as much as I could from his perspective and checked to see if it was right.)
"And I tried to blame it on work, but I think you were right, I was upset about all of the expectations I had for you, and the ways you weren't responding to the pushing, and the panic I had...you felt that, right?"
"I tried to tell you but you didn't want to hear it." "I know. I'm sorry it took this much for me to want to look at myself. It was just easier to imagine everything was your fault."
And so closeness grew that night. Even though he rarely made a move to acknowledge the crappy things he did, and not so M-friendly choices he made...I was ok with it because we were talking about feelings and agreeing on stuff. And it felt really good to be experiencing that connection where we were painting pictures for each other and talking about what happened. I mean, maybe if you imagine you're both talking about someone else, and kind of distance yourself from that person you're talking about. We're all totally supportive when our friends and partners want to bitch about somebody else, right?
They say don't believe what your S says, watch the actions...well, none of our conversation this past weekend was remotely reassuring that he loved me and wanted to work for our M...yet...he chose to see me, accompanied back and forth to the airport. He agreed to several outings the next day to discuss things. And at the bar that night he leaned in and let me kiss him, we were affectionate, intimate that night by his choice, and we connected in these conversations...even if he was telling me how not good I was for him and how little faith he had that I could make changes.
When you say you have no idea what he means when he does say something - YES. I felt frustrated with mine because he sounded borderline insane sometimes, or slow. God, that sounds terrible, but it's true. So, the advice I would have is go into the conversation imagining he is right and he has lots of sense to make and it's your job to uncover it. Gently, and if he's anything like mine, he'll curl up into a defensive punchy ball if he feels like the questions are coming from a place of 'I want to judge you, you better say something that makes sense to me' instead of 'I accept your feelings and want to understand what you meant just there.' Or as our MC told us - if I feel confused I can simply ask him if he can state it a different way. I tried that exact phrase a couple of times this weekend and it worked well.
Hope this helps. I'm very new at this being the softer side of me thing.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
