Strong EA after 2 years of marriage. Need advice.

[Mozza]

And in my case that means she told me when it was too late, she never seeked help, she just figured it out by herself, no perspective, me not involved. Not mature, not fair, not 'marriage'. So it never actually really existed probably.
That's what scares me ..

It's not "in your case". This is how A and S work. Find a single case around here of people who were kindly dumped, with lots of warning? You are married, you have ups and downs, and one day, it reaches the limit for one of the two parties. In almost every case, the limit is different for the two parties. Your W reached her limit before you reached yours. That she didn't warn you, especially now that you know there's an OM, is standard practice.

My W and I had a "S protocol" all figured out. We had talked about it when friends of ours separated. We promised each other that we'd never leave overnight based on a unilateral decision. Yet, this is exactly what she's done. The exact same thing. Get that: The day W came to get the rest of her stuff, she read aloud to me an email from one of such friend saying to W that she regretted her rash decision to D. My W had 'opposed' that D. Yet, she was doing the same thing at that very minute. O_O

In the five days before ILYBINILWY, we hosted a divorced friend of my W (now single and sleeping around a lot). They went out for fun activities, coffee and drinks while I worked and took care of the kids. Guess what they talked about during that time? Let's see: my W came back some of those days saying "My friend thinks you're not good enough for me" and "My friend said her D was a liberation and how she found her true self". Three days later, she was leaving me "to find her true self". See: she was talking about us with her and and when she sat down with me, it was to announce her decision. Like you.

Hoping that a S will take place in a reasonable manner is like hoping that car accidents will follow an agreed upon protocol between the parties. Or that illness will only strike those who deserve it. You can only do your best every day and hope it won't happen. There are ways to reduce the risk, but it can happen to anyone and it's almost always a surprise.

I'm telling you all of this in case it also provides you some comfort. A separation is very hurtful for the ego. In a way, it's good that you review what you've done wrong and what you can do better. You need to show W that you've learnt the lessons or at least to be ready for your next R. But know at the same time that there's a script, that infatuated people, even when married, do not behave like married people. It's chemicals and all. You need to detach and see her like a sick person who's not herself. Don't expect honesty ever, even if you asked for it. This is for married, faithful people. Don't take it personally. You're in a sitch with a WAW that has an A. The rules have changed. You need to adapt to survive.