Sometimes I wonder that as solution-focused as this community is, there is a tendency here to own too much and bear more than what is really fair (in a long term sense) in terms of our feelings, creating the environment and changes that would make our M work. Now, I know that one of the core principles here is to be the first to change, and to make that effort with good faith, and who cares what everyone else thinks about where your indignation went and how much you're going to put up with...
To Labug's point, I think it's super true about reading stuff into communication. 'Our stuff.' I went back and read some of the texts and emails that my H sent and most of them weren't as bad as what I know I read into them at the time. But I think that maybe it's not entirely an individual thing either...there is context there, a past history, which maybe makes us hear all those other things. These insecurities don't come from nowhere.
Did at one point your H, in a fight or whatever, accuse you of being too emotional or not strong enough?
I ask because there were shitty things said on both sides of our fights and I think it got to be where we could hardly say anything mild to each other without hearing some echos of the insults and previous contempt. This hit me while we were at the bar on Sat night and he told me that he couldn't even ask my help for the simplest thing, xyz as an example, without fearing my reaction...I looked at him and at first wanted to imagine this was his insecurity and his issue, but it came from somewhere and I thought of the day I went ballistic single-handedly moving our big furniture into the house from garage because it wasn't getting done fast enough at his pace...and I was pissed thinking he was making excuses 'waiting on my help'. (Ridiculous considering it took two men to load some of those book cases and dressers ...what was I thinking?) He sat in the back yard for hours while I threw my back out. When he finally came in, he quietly offered to make lunch and I sat there on the floor bawling my eyes out feeling embarrassed and sad and still frustrated. No, H, was not crazy for feeling like he didn't want to ask my help. This wasn't his 'stuff' he just randomly accumulated.
Maybe don't beat yourself up too much about your gut reaction or try to own it all, all by yourself, if there was a past or context? Being simply aware of where the reactions come from might be just as powerful. Unless he told you all the time what a strong, wonderful and balanced woman you are and didn't say things that himself seem more so?
It makes me think that for all of us who are sitting around in this LBS role, I think we have to consider that everything we say too has some barbs to it that they're still experiencing, just like the little reactions and over-analysis we experience from a one-line text or comment. That deep listening is maybe only half of the repair...
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
