Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[25yearsmlc]

HP

I'm going to share with you some of the DB coach's advice that I found VERY HARD to do, but which did help.

I was a little upset that it worked b/c it felt "wrong" or doormatish for me at the time. But even then, even in my misery, a part of me knew it made sense.

Anyhow, she said to "LISTEN LIKE A LOVER" to my h when he spoke.

(Not if he was vilifying me or referring to an OW), but when he would talk about his work or career or our family, she said for me NOT to react, but to support..."like a lover"...

At times that felt like Mother Teresa work to me....OMG so very hard. I'd want to shake him and yell "Snap out of it!"

She also said to "lose the anger, at least in front of him" b/c as we all know by now, it pushes them away

and does nothing for us internally either.

(Those who say "venting helps me," are not lying, per se. But it only helps if you feel better and calmer later on.
Usually I see people venting here, who stay stuck in their anger and become "victims" in their own eyes.

In other words, don't vent unless it actually serves you well. Seems obvious, but it's not).

You have heard that you must *Become a man only a fool would leave.*

But what does that^^ look like, to you?

Be as specific as you can, in describing that *man*, so you know what you are aiming for.
Having a PMA is essential.

I won't belabor that point, b/c the only time some folks think that a PMA hurts them, is when they misunderstand what helps and what harms their cause.

The ones who think they must show their pain are in error. Showing your pain does Not convince your w of your love; it just makes you harder to be around.
Guilting a WAS also fails b/c it converts their "guilt" into anger and resentment. And that is only IF you even get somewhere with the guilt. Every woman I know who had an affair, felt justified in doing so. They felt that an affair was a reaction to a marriage missing an essential ingredient; they felt pushed into OM's arms.


(Ouch, I know), HP,

I'm not blaming you, I'm referring to how your wife might feel.

I suggest watching those 2 TED Talk videos, Amy Cuddy's and Shawn Achor's.

They both discuss the empirical data that supports how vital a good PMA is. How it helps us live better lives and how having a PMA also changes us, internally.

As Amy Cuddy says, "it's not 'fake it til you make it', it's fake it til you Become it."

Make sense?

((( )))