Requesting support and direction

[Andy125]

Hey Sandi thanks for the response, and I completely agree… it just leads to trouble no matter how strong you think that you are. Unfortunately to add to my story, it did in fact turn into an A. My controlling snooping etc. was in part a direct result of her telling me they were just friends when then truly weren’t. I later learn through on online web site called Experience project that she was in fact in a PA and EA with this man. I learned that he had ended it with her about this time a year ago, but truly didn’t know the details until later (again more snooping and finding her posts online). Based on what I read she was devastated that it ended, it was very hard reading and I spent a large amount of time torturing myself reading and re-reading the many posts.

Once confronted I thought that might be it, and we might be ready for things to get better. We tried to let it go to look past it all and move on. Honestly I wasn’t ready for it, and neither do I think was she. Repeatedly last spring I heard how she didn’t love me anymore, and I did everything that all the Db’ers say not to. Almost to a T I did everything, beg pleaded, chased, pursued, cried, yelled… got angry… and again tried to control the whole thing. I also failed, she went further away. I later learned that she started having an EA online with a man from Australia. She supposedly fell in love with him too. At that time I was reaching a point in my own counseling work where I was finally making progress. I thought that maybe now we could actually make some progress in our R. The EA began to end at the beginning of the summer when the OM2 decided to get back with his separated W.

Our summer was fairly decent but I also think that I hadn’t learned enough about myself to make lasting changes. I still struggled with trust, and honestly she was doing some things to regain it…. But was taking the approach of “fake it till ya feel it”… and again I was still trying to control the whole thing… I wasn’t letting go. I also began talking more with someone online myself, somehow thinking that I was justified, and that it would help. It didn’t and quickly I learned that it was not what I wanted, nor did it make me feel better. By the end of the summer another Australian had come along, and is the current OM that I write about in my posts… so that would make it OM3. So here we go, talk about making myself vulnerable…. That is my story. There are little tidbits in there along with my own mistakes…. Lots of them both big and little… I had my own A years before that I admitted to in the spring when I finally learned the details of the A with her work partner (OM1)…. I have really learned a lot about me, going through this hell of mine… and I’m very curious to learn more about how I can work on letting go.

I will say this just before I learned about OM3, I had come to a point where I simply forgave both my W and her work partner. I still do, and that simple act was incredibly liberating in ways I never knew it would be. I guess in a way I also let go there too…. Now how to figure out how to do it more.