Just to summarize the situation to make it clear and also state why my hopes are so slim:
- Wife completely convinced we shouldn't have gotten married. We had a purely romantic love, no foundation and lacking connection. - OM at work (successful doctor) - they see each other every week. - She told me she loves him - he is clearly playing along and they even claimed to have an 'unfulfilled complicated relationship' (saw texts) - W knows OM for 6 years, they have been friends and she always had feelings for him (except of the time when I came into her life, for 1-2 years) - W does not want to work on M at all, it's over for her (she was at a point 5 months ago where she tried, but by herself, no outside help, no team work - while I was just very challenged and not clear minded - then she let herself go with the emotions to OM)
Complex, FEELINGS take months to return, up to as much as two or three years to FULLY return. But the DECISION to work on the marriage, unencumbered by any third party (her OM) -- is just that: a DECISION. Your position should be "Look, I understand that our marriage took a long time to get to where it is, but I'm not willing to work at it or even TALK about it as long as you unilaterally decided to bring a third person into it by having an affair. End your contact with this man, and come back and work on our marriage with me and I think you'll find that I am more than willing to work on any and all issues, including my own."
The longer you remain in the current state -- LIMBO -- the more you're condoning her affair, morally and even legally.
