Previous thread will probably be locked soon. No contact with H. My mom wants me to text him again about C saying if he is in this marriage at all I would like him to come. I'm not really sure.
I don't think there's any turning back from this. He is the man he was when he first left in February. He slept in today and my dad had to take the boys to school. He has stopped caring about anything unless it's for him.
I have been jotting things down to discuss at counseling ... Even just for me alone. These are the things that I feel or the way he makes me feel.
I feel like he Just doesn't care ... Doesn't drive the kids to school.. Worried about what's good for him.
Told me he's secretive about his phone because he doesn't want me going through it getting numbers out trying to talk to people --- I've never done that. Talked inappropriately with her before he left the first time. I should be able to look at his phone whenever.
I feel that he Cannot be around people that supported his relationship with her, him working there is like a slap in my face. He could go work anywhere... Go work at McDonald's for all I care. Any job but there. That was the only dealbreaker to keep
Stress shouldn't stop him from making our marriage a priority. I'm stressed but still work, want my marriage, etc.
His actions make me fear he will just not come home or having a relationship with someone else when he is distant
He lived the single life, now back to life with responsibilities. Took on too much at once
Why can't he respect my feelings
How can he agree to my deal breakers and then change his mind and not agree with them. Just doing what he had to do to come home
No date nights
Miserable.. Not outgoing. Makes me feel like a burden. A huge change from who he was.
What changed??
Feel like he doesn't share his life with me. Doesn't express what's wrong or talk to me about the problems he has he just lets everything build up and builds resentment towards me . Feel like his friends come before me. He's more concerned about them then me
No discussing between us he made the choice
Where is the man tha was happy to see me. That was excited about spending time with me. I used to get a text everyday. Now I get nothing
Anyway those are my thoughts that are jotted down.
I don't believe there is coming back from this. I think I just need to let go and proceed with my lawyer.
Hey TO, sorry you're going thru this again. Read thru your posts and see if you can find the common theme (and problem) with it.
Pretty much everything you wrote is about HIM, you can not control him, only you. Trust me I know it's hard not to focus on him. I spend much time trying to figure out H's actions still, but you know what...I still have no idea why he is doing anything.
Keep this in mind, only one person in the world can make you happy...YOU! I don't think your H has figured that out yet. He's stressed about $$ and feeling tons of pressure. He is gravitating back to people and things he thinks are going to make him happy, that is a reflection on him...not you!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
First, MAJOR kudos to you for that big sip of STFU juice you took last night. Even though I was pounding on you about keeping your mouth shut – because I was sooooo fearful you wouldn't – I gotta be honest: I don't know if even I could have stayed quiet. Which is likely the reason I kept harping on it last night.
Good on you!
As for next steps, I honestly don't think you have many choices. You mainly have two: 1. Text him about your M or your family or your MC appointment, which at this point would look like pursuing, and it would certainly feel like it to him, or 2. Put your DB game-face on – you know the one – and go to your MC appointment without saying anything to H. H knows about the appointment, right? He knows your non-negotiables, right? He's a big boy. He can listen and process. He doesn't need you to hold his hand through it.
What I'm hearing from you right now is fear. And a GREAT deal of it.
When I picture you right now, I see you clinging on to something for dear life … and slipping.
You're scared of losing your H, and you're starting to grasp. Nothing good will come from clinging and grasping. Or texting. That is just going to push him further away in his current mindset. Unfortunately, this isn't your first rodeo, so you know this.
Please don't get desperate. Or if you get desperate, don't act on it. Texting him about your MC appointment looks like control and pressure. It smacks of grasping.
Be STRONG. Be confident. Be courageous. Don't be mean or short with H. Just act as if you're not bothered by his behavior. You're carrying on with your life, knowing you've been perfectly clear that him going back to work with OW's dad is a non-negotiable. But you don't need to repeat that to him. He already knows and is making his own choices. Take care of your boys. Do something for you. Leave him guessing about what YOU are going to do. Trust me: he's thinking about it. If you text him about MC, you're giving him A LOT of power that he does not need or deserve right now.
And as hard as I know it is, try to thought-stop when your mind starts racing with questions like: Why's he doing this? What happened? Why is he choosing x over y? Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it against your arm if you start those obsessive thoughts. Replace them with questions about YOUR life: What can I do to get through this moment? What are my GAL plans this weekend? How can I shore-up x or y in the event he leaves, or I ask him to leave?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
((TO)), I try to imagine how you must feel. I care very much about what is happening to you. I hear the fear, and sometimes you sound like you did the first time he pulled this stunt. Don't be that scared girl again. You climbed out of this mess before. You proved you could make it without him. Even your feelings had began to fade right before he showed up begging.
I am just going to come out and say it.......he is not interested in going to counseling. And you are desparately clinging to that one hope (MC), and if you contact him wanting him to attend, he will see your desperation. Sweetheart, please do nothing to persue him. It will not work. Bless your mother, I know she is desparately wanting to find someone that can help. But you know his heart is not right, and even if he was pressured into going to MC, what could that MC say in one hour that would change is heart back to the man you want?
I am so, so sorry. If there was ever a time to apply tough love, it's now. He has no excuse or defense that could justify his behavior. He is wayward, and his heart has turned cold. This time, he should see you as a woman who will not take one more day of his sh't and who is not afraid and who won't try to talk him out of anything, b/c she is done. Not through talking............no more talks. Just action. Get to your lawyer immediately. Protect yourself financially, and protect those kids. Find out your options (which you probably know from last time). You don't know what he may do next, but for sure you can't trust him.
This doesn't sound like marriage-saving advice, but really it is. In my WAW opinion, that is the only thing that may possibly yank his a$$ hard enough to reach his brain. And if it doesn't, you will be protected and have taken necessary steps to move on with your life. Catering to him does not work. Being the sacrificial marriage lamb won't bring him back to the man you want him to be......and he SHOULD be for his family.
Find your spunk again. It's there inside of you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
