Requesting support and direction

[Andy125]

So first I’d like to apologize for some of the spelling errors in my responses. I usually respond from my phone and I’ve not been careful enough to double check spelling etc.

Toots, I to be honest that isn’t a short answer. I think in a lot of ways I have been controlling or had issues with control for a long time. When things haven’t gone my way in the past I have looked for people, and things to blame. This has led to a whole swath of emotions, to include anger and getting depressed because things were not going my way. I think that this over emphasis on trying to control things certainly has contributed to my depression and my general negative outlook on life. This I’m sure has been hard to live with.

Now to get more specific within my sitch. Back in June 2014 my W expressed wanting to help out her work partner, who was in the process of getting divorced. She stated “she was one of his close friends” and probably was. Again there is a lot that can be said about that comment; however the nature of her job those bonds form. At first I was supportive of it, my W and I had always taken the approach of individual freedom and space. But as the number of times going out with him increased (usually going out drinking) I became un-easy, I became suspicious (I’m sure my own actions from my past played into it) and my controlling side reared its ugly head. I’m sure as I dive into this more with my own counselor I will learn that it this side of me has played more of a role in my life then I realize. Over the next couple months I tried to control what was going on. I spied, tried to keeps tabs, fought, and at the same time tried (very unsuccessfully) to give my W space. It only led to her moving further and further away, and becoming very unhappy with the spouse I was turning into. As I look back on it I can’t believe the things that I was doing, it was like I was another person. As I tried to grip tighter and control more, the more she slipped through my fingers. How I wish I had found DB then, maybe it would have opened up my eyes… maybe not.

Specifically I tried to figure out where she was, constantly. I tried to control who she was talking to online. I constantly asked about whom she was texting, and when I didn’t get a good answer I would persist. Then my control invaded my prayers, I found (and again up until recently) my prayers were dominated by asking God for specific things. I asked him to end her affair, to change her mind, to bring her back, to hit the OM with a truck It honestly had become an obsession, and its only now that I see just how toxic it has made things.

Sandi thank you for the response! You are right I do know the answer to that question, and it is through quiet reflection that I am starting to realize just how much power I have given the OM. I am also learning that I simply need to practice the art of letting go. And I truly believe that it is an art, something that needs to be practiced over and over. Hopefully over time I will get better at it and shape my mind so that it comes easier. I am also changing the way that I pray, and simply giving this situation over to God.

Vapo made a great suggestion and the video made a lot of sense. Another speaker that I have found very insightful is Dr. Brene Brown; she is doing good research on issues of vulnerability, shame and empathy. I think that there is a lot of merit in trying to simply empathize with my W. However to do that you need to allow a level of vulnerability to happen, which when in a sitch like this, is about that last thing that you want to do. Don’t get me wrong that isn’t easy to do, and I’m only now trying to figure it out. Thoughts? I am very grateful for this forum, its allowing me to open up and express my thoughts openly with a lot of support.