Ganb8te - your first paragraph, your first entry in this thread really, it's so, so close to my BD situation and goals. Sounds like they even speak the same way. And I really could not grasp how withdrawn and angry my H became just b/c he wasn't being listened to the way he wanted, or how deeply unhappy he was, but hey, if that is their biggest love language, it feels like a lot of not-love, right?
A couple of things I can share that I wonder may help with your giraffe ears, be another perspective -
Our MC pointed out something in our first session that helped me be less frustrated and more genuinely interested in communication with him. If we realize we are fundamentally different... IDK if this was your reaction previously, but some of what my H said, I had a very gut reaction of 'whatever, who knows what the hell is up his butt today.' If you go with the Myers Briggs stuff - he is an INFP, I'm more of an ENTJ. I suspect you are somewhere in this range, as well - you sound positive, decisive, determined, pretty level-headed in your approach to things. Well, MC pointed this out -H communication often is cryptic, abstract, and short. And it doesn't read as rational to me, I heard it against all my needs as irrational and moody or cloudy, not coming from a well thought out understanding of anything (listen to all the judgement there).
BUT - even in the last two months I've learned, if I ask the right questions, and validate creatively and offer examples that show what he is saying - he WILL elaborate, open up, and make quite a lot of sense. It's been when I've gotten frustrated and dismissed him for what I heard as 'nonsense' that he closes down and says even more 'ridiculous' feeling-based things.
Like your H, mine also told me this past weekend, "I'm not saying we can't ever be together again, I just don't know how now. I don't know that you can be the person I need." I told him I understood and was committed to building a skill - it's not a personality change as much as a skill - and I wanted to be able to better show him the love I feel. Keep your walls up, I understand why they're there, but give me the chance to prove it, slowly. That got somewhere with him. I think it was the last piece of the conversation we were having before he settled back very firmly (like, change of subject firmly) and ended the conversation and said he would consider coming home. Which, with him...is still more of a no than a yes, but it was a move closer.
In building those skills of validation, empathetic listening, I've found it helps me to think of everyone I am with as though I'm trying to fall in love with them. Sounds bizarre, but it's about the only time that level of listening felt natural - the desire to pull out what is interesting, fascinating about a friend or date, tell me more, to show them how much I enjoy their company, make them smile...plus it is actually a lot more fun being with people like this.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
