I am really sorry you are feeling this way. The ups and downs of this whole nightmare. I can see why we have some hope and then we want to give up. It's so much emotions involved in the same time.
The wound that never heals, the uncertainty that never settles, the fear that settles in... it's all so mix in the pan, we get all worked out and it doesn't feel good.
One thing I noticed is that when I talk to my IC, I can get in touch with my values, my worthy, myself and even talk about the marriage as still a possibility. When I talk to a L it is so definitive, they do their job well, but they look at you and ask what are you waiting for? Why are you sitting on it while your S is having an affair and things can get really crappy for you. Why are you taking the risks to lose a lot if your S goes spastic and start spending a lot of money, and they can. What financial guarantees do you have for your life?
In my case they even say. You need to protect your children interests. Their father is not thinking about them right now and maybe will never. He is a selfish man that wants to move on and that's what you should see.
So, we look at our situation, we talk to IC, to a L, to friends that don't understand why we are waiting on someone that is cheating on us, and we come to these boards where there are some folks that saved their M. What a mix.
Sometimes I think I will go nuts, and I am sure you probably feel this way too.
I do not have a right answer for your sitch, really I don't know what to think. Why is your H so quite? Why he did not ask you a D? What is he thinking or doing?
I know it's not our job to mind read or get ourselves into thinking of their reasons, but it is really intriguing. And, like you are now, trying to figure if you file for D or not.
If you do, you are the one pushing to finish it all and maybe you are moving to fast, could have wait a little longer to see how this goes. If you don't, you feel trapped in a R of one, with not much hope, static.
In my best, I would say to always sleep on a tough, give some time to see if your feelings about filing for D are the same in a week or so. If it is, then maybe you can go for because you know something else changed inside you. If not, go day by day, or month by month doing all this mental exercises over and over.
You are doing fine Toots, hang in there. This L thing is very hard to digest. It feels very ending and it's scary.
