i was thinking of you last nite- but too lazy to get out of bed (burrrr) and go downstairs and find laptop.
Quote:
This is pretty much how I am surviving all of this - but I do worry that I am not dealing with the shock/grief process properly and that I am burying it by keeping busy -
i'd say quit worrying about how you're "dealing" with this crappola. it's the worst most damaging thing that's ever happened in your life- why in the world would you know what is the "rite" things to be doing and do them quickly? it's like being hit by a car - by surprise - and suddenly finding yourself in the hospital flat on your back and your life in danger. no kidding- .... so try and take a step badk. (mind you- i found it hard as heck and woke up night after night with my brain demanding I "decide" something, "do" something, "gal", what have you. this forum is very darn good for ranting and being understood - which i think helps quite alot. knowing we are not the only ones that felt our world fell off the planet and we were in pain and afloat-
THE BAD NEWS is that sometimes it seems like a ton of rules and orders and guidelines and things we need to do or feel or know. it's not like that imho - we all are different and do it all differently, at a different speed, or whatever. even our mental image of it is different. i am disappointing i'm sure to alot of people - who would have liked me to walk away immediately- or then, almost immediately.
i don't think dbing is like that. in the book mwd says it may take 6 months, 6 years .... that's the "journey" bit - no one alive (even you) can guess how your journey will go, your h's either. no one can tell how long - how hard - how easy, etc. he's playing it by ear just like you - and certainly the rest of us have no room to boss you around. it's however you want to play it - . So- maybe try and quit demanding of yourself what you can't possibly do.
The fact that you're alive, here and journaling and trying to get thru each day is enough. ENOUGH for now. it's the only thing you can do- when your heart or brain has a little change - or perk-up - or step forward - it will pretty mujch happen without "you" even knowing probably. just one day you'll notice something different (better hopefully) in your attitude, or actions or something. you can't rush it- you can't make "it" happen - you are (gag gag ) completely powerless really here. all you can do is preserve yourself and plod along like some dumb beast - unknowing and in pain - one foot in front of the other. there isn't really a one-size-fits-all "ANSWER" either. it's just a huge unknown thing out there ripping your life and brain and heart apart- and you can't even face the enemy and fight.
the nebulous nature of it all is wh at makes us crazy i think. y ou are at the very very beginning. (unless a miracle occurs and your h awakes) (not such a good thing to even begin to think that). maybe all of us saying you'll feel better SOMEDAY makes you feel rushed to get there. you can't. your hands are really tied here- just keep writing out what you feel, doing things and forcing yourself to keep moving and keep partricipating in life around you- just do your best with that. it's all you can do- care for yourself and make you keep moving. as far as demanding of yourself answers and sollutions, etC - FUTILE. TREAT YOURSELF AS KINDLY AS YOU WOULD A FRIEND IN TROUBLE.
LIKE you and tons of folks, i'm hard on myself too- try and work on your mental attitude of that. thik of a l ittle injured animal- seriously injured animal and treat you like that.
it's jerky sounding- but maybe just try to tell self to slow down and keep just moving along in your own life. the notion of it all being out of your hands (except for what you're doing- trying to db & see) stinks and is very very hard to swallow. that too will come- some kind of recognition that isn't too threatrening and sickening. well, it is totally threatening and sickening - but just keep reminding your self you're alive and healthy (could have been worse , like an accident that lfet you paralysed). no kidding- list the good things, yourkids, brains, swell self, health - all things not to be taken lightly.
okay- off the band wagon here- be kind to you- no need to rush... no point.
the job- boy do i get that. the no experience, but can't get a job to get some. i feel a hundred years old when i think that far back. something will turn up eventually. dopey and trite- but probably true. we just plug along- run into someone, take a turn off that way; get an idea - take a little jog that way; can't know what will happen or come along that will head you in some other direction.
bohy- i sound nutty today don't i? well, i felt like i was going crazy for quite a long time over this. sometimes i still wonder or worry that i in fact am, and am not knowing it. just keep walkin, writin, talkin & reminding yourself how happy you are to have a body that is healthy. it's something...
okay- you're doing good. still breathing today- and went skating to boot. yay hang on man- you can do it.
xxoo (( )) clovelly was on the very first ever trip we took to england. h had found out about it- my knees wobbled going down as well as up (and i was a heck of alot younger)
he was mentioning tyraveling again this spring (we haven't been to europe since 2010. (long time) he ruined it(for me anyway) by being all on his stupid laptop allll the time in evenings - i did not know about ow and EVERYTHING back then. only that we had a 'disconnect" that was making me feel awful all the time and i had no idea why. thought it was his retirement & life issues because he just lied and lied.
oh man- seems like fifty million years ago. i like to travel and appreciate gesture(?) - is it a gesture really? but dr ead it too. you know, the "what ifs". gotta quit it and remain open minded.
you too- stop now if you can with asking self "how could he" and "when did this begin" ; why does he?/??? all that junk. i'm not sure if you can - i couldn't well in beginning- i plagued myself with thinking and figuring and all that. if possible- try and empty brain- oh yeah, stomach crunches. keep that old brain from thinkiing while it's recuperating (well, trying)
anwyay=- shortbread dunked in lemon curd; real cream allover the place and poured over sponge cake - yummmmmmmmm - totally totally big ole fish&chip battered old giant snausage with chips; i even love those goppy chips- what? me a chow hound? how will i ever re-lose those stupid six lbs?
idk - one crisis at a time huh? i do love england .
it's uncomfortable as heck to wait and wait to feel better. I'm sorry to report i don't believe there is any "quick" goin on in this process. "journey" is the rite word - because it's long and winding and who knwos where the end is.
maybe if you can view it as a physical injury- nothing heals as quickly as we'd like.
