Life 2.0 Pt 3

[NH115]

I can't believe it's been 5 days since my last post. Time flies when you're having fun :-)

I took some comp time last Friday so we had a long weekend together. Some deep discussion but we did mundane things as well. Seemed to have a good time; we watched a ridiculously bad sci-fi movie on Saturday, curled up together, laughed. No breakthroughs, but it felt like we might have actually been piecing a bit. Perish the thought!

By Sunday night, her life was total crap (her words), everything was bad, there was no way we could ever get back on track, yada, yada, yada. I think if she sees even a glimmer of her old feelings for me, she shuts down. To piece, she needs to trust me, and by definition, make herself vulnerable to me. That's not something she's ever been good at, and not just with me. With her it's all about her fear, her resentment, her mistrust, her, her, her.

I've been really doing well the last few weeks; PMA, GAL, been getting productive again at work. Starting to enjoy some female attention like I haven't had in years. Not going anywhere with that, just enjoying it. I had even gotten myself to the point where I was almost looking forward to her pulling the trigger on our marriage so I could get on with life. If it was our destiny to D, then let's get it over with. The limbo is worse.

Things were going along fine until yesterday afternoon. W had given me a pic of us taken at a Christmas party a few weeks ago to pin on my cubicle wall. I had taken it to work, but couldn't bring myself to put it up...too depressing to look at, like it was a lie. I stuck it in a file folder. I was looking through that folder for some other papers and ran across the picture. I almost lost it. Almost broke down right there in my office. I sat at my desk for the remainder of the day, trying to look busy but mostly just busy fighting back tears. I wanted and needed her. I made it through the rest of the day and got home to her, grabbed her and wouldn't let go. We sat down and talked, both cried. I was pissed at myself for showing her any kind of neediness, but I couldn't stop.

She listened as I told her what happened and what I was feeling. She listened for a few minutes, held me....and promptly turned the discussion back to HER pain.

Geez.

That ended my tears in a heartbeat. I was furious, though I kept it under control. There I was, being vulnerable to HER. Needing HER. Running home to be with HER. She's so wrapped up in herself that it doesn't even occur to her to think about the pain I'm in. I know I shouldn't be surprised at this, but it never fails to shock. Oh, she wasn't being cruel or insulting, she just can't get the discussion off of herself. I did point this out to her and I think it hit home; she broke down in tears and apologized for being so selfish. Whether the lesson sticks or not remains to be seen. It did end my depressed state as I started to wonder if this is who I want to fight for any more.

I had a bad afternoon, but I'm back on top this morning. Safe to say I learned my lesson. I won't be going back to her for comfort any time soon.