Ten below here in town this morning, so I decided I could have a day off (a benefit of being self-employed.) And I took d17 to the Hobbit part 3. It was a great movie, although there are ALOT of battle scenes in it.
W texted me yesterday asking for our insurance agent's name. I went to Divorce Care last night, and so it took me 9 hours to respond.
I used to always sing "Baby it's cold outside" to W on cold days. I've been having an urge to text her with it, just to see the response. But given my slow response to W's question yesterday, I've decided to continue to lay low.
I haven't seen W since Thanksgiving. I haven't snooped for several weeks now, not even on FB. It's amazing, by my not snooping, I have better thoughts about my W. I keep thinking she's getting healthier, without any evidence to support that. It's one more benefit of not snooping.
Next week is W's birthday. I'm not planning anything. But perhaps it's time for a temperature check with W?
Yeah, I think that b/c I don't snoop that I can just keep my life focused on my kids and I. Then...
I had lunch with my Mom today. She mentions did I see W's Facebook post? I tell her I don't look at my W's FB posts, and I don't care to know what she posted.
My Mom goes ahead and tells me that W posted that one good thing her ex taught her is to not just celebrate a one day birthday (W's birthday is next week), but to celebrate the whole week - yes, I celebrate birthday weeks for everyone in our family.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry, knowing W thought of me at this one moment during her life, enough to post to her FB friends.
Maybe my W is back to calling me her "ex", and maybe my Mom got it wrong. But you know what? I don't care. I did not check my W's FB to find out what she really said. I've got stuff in my own life to work on.
An old lawyer joke for you today, but I hope it brings a smile to you:
A man dies and goes directly to Hell. While he is milling around, he spots another man who he recognizes as a lawyer, and the lawyer is snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's totally unfair!" he protests to the Devil. "I have to burn in Hell for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman!"
"Silence!" barks the Devil, jabbing with his pitchform. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?!"
Well, fudge! I asked W if I could pick up s13 at 4:15 this afternoon. I haven't seen W in 5 weeks, I have no pics of her, I was really looking forward to just seeing her. I'm just being honest.
But when I got there W was filling up her car at the gas station. Sigh. She had s13 cleaning the kitchen for about 15 minutes. I had the chance to snoop W's place, her computer, bedroom, etc., but I didn't. It's amazing the pull that snooping still has on me.
One thing I did notice was that W has a cat in her "No Pets Allowed" condo. She has a friend whose place was flooded, and W offered to watch her cat.
I smiled. In one sense, I like not having the craziness of W in my life, and the idea of risking losing her home in order to keep a cat there. But am I crazy? I kinda like and miss that sort of wackiness, never knowing what each day will bring. I'm missing my W today.
I had a good weekend. On Saturday, I spent 6 hours gaming with old high school friends (where does the time go?) I also had s13 for the weekend and watched some football with him. The first words out of my son's mouth as a baby were "boo Packers", and so I was not too happy with the Green Bay victory.
It is funny, today is W's birthday and at the beginning of the weekend I was missing her so much I thought I would text her and offer her a massage. But today, despite feeling anxious, I have decided against this. Having the weekend to clear my head and be occupied, I am back to keeping my focus on me. I have also decided to not even acknowledge her birthday, and treat this as any other day. Tonight's game is now my focus, Go Buckeyes!
I get so weary myself at times, but if you are religious, getting the daily e-mails from Charlyne Cares (Rejoice Ministries) is hugely helpful as far as weariness. I found out about them last year lurking on these forums and I don't think I would have been able to stand without that support.
On a practical level, it will probably take as long to grieve, find a new life and meet someone else as it will to stand and wait; that's what I always remind myself. I prefer to wait out my husband's craziness for some years, standing and being a light, and hope that we can reunite as a family when the time is right and be old grandparents together one day.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
