I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)

[Mozza]

Thanks for the clarifications, MCS.

I wonder if you have empathy for your W. She is going through a rough time too. Her M is also failing and she probably didn't mean to get there when she got married. Her situation with OM is complicated. You're not a positive presence in her life. Taking care of the kids might be hard. Yes yes, it's all her fault (well, maybe not), but it doesn't matter: it's hard for her too.

Let me tell you: if my W were to micromanage the way I take care of the kids during my week, things would get ugly fast. She emailed my parents because they gave soft drinks to our kids and I stepped in telling her to trust me when I have the kids. I'm not a perfect parent and neither is she, so let's cut each other some slack.

The other thing about your W's current parenting technique is that it's only transitory. She's in a weird moment in her life too. She's not herself. Over time, things will stabilize for her and she'll have more focus on the important things in her life. Don't assume that her way of dressing them or else is her new approach until the kids are adults. Just see it for what it is: a transition. Focus on what does real harm now, and not what might eventually become harmful over time because it likely won't happen anyway.

Take something small that your W may see as important for the daily activities with your kids and then 180 it. You have daughters, if during your M wife was always making sure that their hair was combed whenever they would leave the house and then BD and people that know her start saying Mozza, saw your W and kids and their hair was a mess. What's up with that, is everything okay? It would cause you some concern, probably.

Not really. For instance, the kids tell me that they eat pizza "every day" with their mom. I seriously doubt that's true, but I assume they eat it several times a week. It doesn't sound like a healthy diet to me. But then again, they eat well at school and with me, so what if they eat pizza 4 times in two weeks? My W is not going to feed them pizza forever: she just needs to settle. People cook food at home because it's better, more varied, less expensive and more rewarding. She'll get back there eventually. I don't sweat it. No *bleep* given. Also, D6 told me that they stay inside the entire week-end when they're with their mom, something we never did as a family. So what? Again, it's a transition and they get plenty of fresh air the other 12 days of the week. Also, we spent Saturday inside this week, so it's not like I'm super-dad either. Again, no *bleep* given.

I'm glad the article was inspiring. The message is: focus on the big thing, then don't pour energy in the small stuff.

So my hard OM stand is not for today, but for the future. (...) I said to myself to try and shelter the kids as much as I can from some of these realities that they don't understand now, but will at some point in their life. (...)

With an OM in the picture, we are reducing the opportunity to provide that insight if/when it is need in our child's life. We are exposing them now and it will be on their own accord that they will figure it out, good or bad.

Sorry I'm obtuse, but I still don't get it. If you D, then your kids will realize it much later in life (same for my kids: I can see D6 doesn't connect the dots when she observes that OM sleeps with WAW). What is the problem with that? Are you saying the R between OM and WAW is impossible, yet they will act it out in front of your kids, and 10-15 years from now, your kids will understand it, giving them a bad opinion of their mom? Or making you look like a fool? I really don't get it, I'm not trying to play games!

And don't worry about convincing me or not. This is really not about convincing each other, this is just me trying to help you to articulate your position. It's for real life, not for here. ;-)

My issue with the whole schedule thing in general is that its all or nothing for her; she won't discuss anything else other than "MCS says yes or MCS is withholding the kids from me seeing them" Its been no in-between or conversation about it. That's all, I want to have the conversation and agree together. This isn't a win/loss thing; but should be a compromise.

No. It's about the kids. It doesn't matter how you get there, whether it's a compromise or someone's unilateral decision, as long as it's a good decision for the kids. You seem to want, as a matter of principle, to extract a compromise from your W. In fact, you say as much in your first and last sentences. Keep your eyes on the ball: do what's right for the kids. Your MC told you that any schedule is fine as long as you two get along, yet you do the opposite: you refuse a particular schedule at the risk of creating needless conflict between the two of you. Now you've painted yourself in a corner by opposing her demand and you will have to either extract a win, for no benefit other than your ego victory, or back down.

You're really annoyed that your W is getting her way. She's done something really awful in the beginning when she just bailed. BTW, it's so bad, it is one of the stories I tell people about what I read on these forums. Since then, she continued to be in control. It's normal, she has something that you want (M). It's the same for me: my W has a new apartment, new furniture and appliances, a romantic week with a new hot guy, a week with the kids, no more arguments with H (me), no more anti-depressants, etc. I often wonder aloud: she wins so much, why is it that not everybody does the same?? But it doesn't matter: it's not about crushing her win or evening out. It's about our goals, be it of self-salvation of reconciliation (and the welfare of the kids), depending how you ultimately see BD.

----------
OK, I've said enough. For all I know, I may be the only one with these opinions and I don't want to influence your thinking too much. I only hope it helps you reflect on and articulate your position.