Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[25yearsmlc]

Hello sofaraway, claire and Vanilla. sofaraway yes you're right and I'm going to do as you say from now on. No timer... just respect and responsibility. No more punishment or ignoring or frustration.

But I am very frustrated right now.

S12 was very very sad again tonight saying "How long is this going to last?" I did not text his mom. Instead, I sat and talked with him about it. He says he thinks about what's happening all the time. He was down.

Yikes, I'm trying so hard to be gentle with you but gee whiz HP, where do you think your son learned to obsess about his mother?

B/C most boys his age are not nearly as tuned in to their moms...

You are not teaching him the lessons that I think you want to teach him.

He's watching you more than you realize. Watching your behavior more than hearing your words.

And make no mistake, HP. Your son will face betrayal and setbacks in his life. We all do. He'll go to what/whom he knows when he chooses his reaction to that.

What is it you want him to learn?

Perhaps you could teach him that no matter how much pain he's in, it's not fatal pain AND it's not eternal...

We teach best, by how we act. Demonstrate this^^ to him by living it yourself.

Make sense?


I served up some spaghetti and meatballs and we watched his favorite TV show... a show I don't like but he loved to watch with his mom... and now he's happy and going to take his shower.

I'm devastated again. Just hurt.

Why are you devastated? HE is happy, so this is not about him. Seriously, it's not.


I want to call her and yell at her to just come home.

And I miss her.

Uh, if you want to make sure things are clear (but over) go ahead and call her, yell and then hang up with a nice dollop of fury...

oh wait, that's what will NOT work...

How much longer are you going to stay in that cheese less tunnel?

I'm asking you that, b/c I'm quite sure you are the only one who can move yourself out of that "room".


I was reading Denver_2010's thread again. 9 months into his sitch and he was making the same mistakes I make... putting a timer on text responses... tying his moods to his W's roller-coaster... showing anger... pursuing... not letting go.

I think Denver would be the first to say "don't repeat MY mistakes" and that's why I originally posted that piece from his thread.

HP, you must GAL a lot more. It's KEY and you are glossing over it.

That is about the only overall suggestion I can give you b/c you are going in circles too much. You grow a few steps, then backslide a few more and then come back and go around, etc. We all did.

But gee whiz, don't be like we were then, learn from how we were then!



This is the start of my 4th week of separation. My W is angry with/feels pity for me and is in love with a stranger. My son is depressed and misses his family. I am messing up simply responding to my W's texts.

I have to do better and I'm not feeling like better me and I'm not even getting being dim/dark right.

I'm not even sure I know what it means to "do the work on me." To learn who "I" am so I can naturally be better me. To do nothing about my M and just have faith.

Doing nothing in terms of obsessing and reaching out to your wife is NOT "doing nothing".

That's like telling a wife beater that his Not beating her tonight is "doing nothing" to help his m.

GAL, HP...for real. The rest of this DB stuff, is 5309567 times easier when you detach.

NO one can detach if they are not GAL. You MUST GAL to Detach.

Hp, take this^^^ sentence in. I can't say it another way. You must believe it, implement it AND make a different choice.



I'm having a very low moment. I know it will pass.

I just want to call her. What are we doing?

"what" indeed....well, Here^^, you are metaphorically beating your head against a big dark wooden door again.

And you are letting your son overhear the banging.

When HE believes you are happier, HE will begin to be the same. He's reflecting you, and you are reflecting him.

Change the dynamic. That means, by definition, changing yourself. Today.

The simplest way (not an "easy" way but not complicated either) to change yourself and your life,

is to GAL. What are you waiting for? It'll never be "convenient", so stop waiting for some condition or event to begin living your life well. Live it now.

Carpe Diem" and "Tomorrow is promised to no one" & "life is short", etc.


Not sure how else to make it clear that GAL is important to all of us but mostly to people like you.

You're a brooder by nature I think (at least lately you are)

You must stop that brooding. It's not healthy and it's a terrible example to give your son.

GAL is how you will take that first step...we hammer the "GAL!!" for one simple reason.

It works.