. If thoughts are very powerful things, and It seems like I'm constantly thinking about my W and the OM (their online sex sessions etc.) Then do you think that my that very act I'm giving the OM, and possibly my W, more power over the situation then they really have?
Ah, but you already know the answer, don't you?
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Ok so I'm learning that I have a big issue with control. It just kinda hit me today... It's probsbly at the route of my problems marriage wise, and probsbly has a lot to do wth my own happiness. I can't seem to let it all go.... I'm trying I know that it is probsbly the biggest 180 that I need to do: learn to let go and not be in control. Any advice on how to do that?
This may sound crazy to some, but I use to have big control issues.......and didn't know it. I don't think I was actually trying to dictate or control, but I would get very upset when anyone did not do what I thought was "right". One time I was so upset at my sibling (after we were grown) b/c of something she did and I was spewing all over the place when my dad said, "Sandi, when are you going to learn that your sister is not going to live her life the way YOU think she should?" Well, I was stunned! But it caused me to start thinking about it and I wondered why someone had never mentioned it to me. I started that day in practicing the act of letting go. And it does take practice.
I will tell you this, Andy, it is one of the most freeing experiences to accept the fact you have absolutely no control over the person or issue. When we elect ourselves as being in charge of how another person lives, feels, makes decisions, etc......that places a tremendous responsibility on us.
As I grew older and had bigger problems to come my way, I leaned more and more to let go of what I had no control over. For me personally, I put my faith in God to take care of the other person or situation. I'm not sure what people do who do not have a spiritual belief, so I can't help much in that area.
I believe many LBS's operate out of fear. That fear causes them to clinch tighter onto some sliver of control over the WAS. However, that is one of the worst things to do. We cannot make another person love us if they do not want to. We can't actually make them do exactly like we want them to do. We can't make them be happy.
Observe your own behavior by thinking over the years you've been M and see now you may have applied pressure to her, trying to get things to be like you wanted it. Trust me when I say, the best way to handle anyone who threatens to leave is to tell them you are not holding them back. Don't argue or fight trying to keep them. Love has to be without pressure.
Letting go of the control does not mean you no longer care. It just means you have resigned from being boss.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
