Mozza (7) + Links to success stories

[25yearsmlc]

I may not have the same LBS experiences that some here on the board have had, but before I met my H I was in love with another young man. He broke my heart and I do know how it feels to be rejected. I am not sure if it was my pride or self respect, but I was determined I would not sit around and grieve over him. I refused to cry over what may have been or how badly I had been hurt. I made myself move forward, and I knew nothing about detaching back then.......but that was really what I was doing. I realize this is a very poor comparison to your stitch, b/c we were not M and did not have hildren.

But, my point is that I believe one has to want to detach, be determined, and start doing the necessary action to get there. And, as long as you are afraid of "losing" what you have already lost.......you will never accomplish detaching from her emotionally.


This^^ makes a lot of sense, as you know.

Mozz, I sense that you want to detach IF IT MEANS you are protecting yourself and Not becoming indifferent.

Detachment is not indifference, so much as the self protection mode of being alright, regardless. And regardless, here, means "independent Of", so there's no co-dependence issues either. And btw, have you read "Co-dependent, No More"? I hear it is helpful on this dimension of DBing.

I can't "prove" that my h woke up when I detached. I know I did.

But he certainly did show more interest in me and our future, when I no longer believed we would make it, but that I was going to be more than "just alright", regardless. I was getting excited about the life I was creating for myself and the children.

Here's an exercise for you, that may help clarify or solidify some ideas.

Imagine that you are a widower, and that enough time has passed that most of your grief over the loss of your w, has subsided.

You've gotten past the most painful parts and moved on and now, you find yourself in a really good place. You are now happy, despite having no w in your life.

What would that picture look like? What would you be doing? Living where?

And any new hobbies? What are they? What about travels? Going or living in a new cool place?

Did you go back to school for fun, AND OR to study something for your job? Did you get a new or better job?
What about getting another credential? Learning a new language?

What about the kids? (In this exercise, they are also doing well). Are you guys doing different things together, making new traditions - and or, maintaining the family traditions they and you always loved?

Flesh out this^^^ picture in your mind, for a few minutes.

Really get some details about your new, happy life, that you're living without your w.

What would life be like if you were without your w, but happy anyhow?

Okay....sit on that for a few....and then ask yourself this:

"Which of those ^^ items/activities, could I be doing, now?"

Thanks for sharing. You're right, the kids throw a wrench in the whole thing. I'm afraid that if I manage not to love her anymore and she comes back, I will be the one who threw away our family life and the stability and presence I wanted for my kids.


Since you now know that Love is always at least partly a choice, you can make a different choice.

BTW, I like the phrase "Love is a verb. Thus, it always requires action."



As I wrote before, we're in my country now but she's from a different continent. Our lives will become a maze once we have different partners with their own lives. She wants to go back in a few years (she told me so), but I might not go with her if we're separated. I've no family or friends where she's from. Oh, the mess.


First of all, things and people change their minds, often. Plus your kids cannot live there without your permission/consent til they are adults.

Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow when you have enough on today's plate.

Besides,when you really think about it, these issues^^ are not your problems, they are your wife's.

That is why you have so much trouble with boundaries, b/c in your mind, you fear it will cause you to lose her. Not meeting her for lunch was a step in the right direction. That is an example of determining to take detaching steps.

Thanks. It went even further when she asked why I didn't want to go to lunch and I told her that I needed the space to move on. That means that I've also cut off her informal communications, which were almost daily and openly meant to maintain a certain relationship between us.

Then when discussions about the kids happen, which I assume they will, you can tweak things as you are more confident and detached.

I don't recall you saying you "never" want to talk to her about anything but the kids, but just that for now, this is what you need.

Correct?

Basically, my fear is that she'll want to come back but will feel pushed away by me and not come and tell me.



Okay, this^^ is a fear I know very well. I worried about the same thing.

In my case, another belief was that my h was the type to make an effort and big gesture and then if it wasn't immediately snatched up, he'd retreat and we'd never reconcile.

But here's the catch.

IF your wife does someday want to reconcile, wouldn't you need a tad more than one probing question or gesture from her?

Wouldn't you NEED (never mind the 'tail between the legs remorse' and shame we all think we want...)

But wouldn't you actually Need some evidence from her that she wasn't going to repeat the past behaviors?

(And wouldn't she need the same assurance from you?)

You are afraid you would not be "keeping the road home, paved & smooth."

Of course I hope you're able to have SOME face to face chats long before any talk of reconciliation happens.

Like you, I can't see a sudden awakening on her end, as the result of having no contact with you in person.

Like you, I don't know how she'd see the new/improved you, for her to know whether she wants to reconcile.

However, these issues and dilemmas are all moot right now. Can you guess why they are moot at this point and thus, do not matter?

(Don't bother guessing, b/c I'll just tell you!!)

The reason this^^ and thoughts of "how we can ever reconcile"

and what she'll know or think about you and your new changes,

are all moot at this point, is

b/c You are not detached enough to be around her, without feeling crappy AND OR somehow making the situation worse.

Is that it, in a nutshell? B/C if so, then we need to help you detach FIRST and then figure out other approaches to take to do the DB work that you can do.



We both have strong fear of rejection that can make us act like jerks (rejecting so as not to be rejected) and against our self-interest. Is this really unreasonable?

I don't believe you are being unreasonable.

I think you have the following circumstances and please, please forgive me AND correct me if I am not recalling the details accurately.

(I hate confusing people with others in this situation b/c it's not just embarrassing but it's also off the mark!!)

The summary:

You met & married. After a fairly short time, you neglected her/were critical of her, & you were hard to live with. (Your words, more or less).

She had a brief fling, she regretted it and you owned your part and you reconciled.

Nothing else inside the marriage changed significantly or for long.

For instance, You rarely told her positive things and you admit now,

that you said positives and even basics e.g. "I love you" about once a year, literally...

So her love languages were not spoken often or nearly enough, for her.

You two argued more. She detached big time. You got more controlling as you sensed losing control.

She wants out and she has an affair.

You have the first awakening, which is "oh dang, I blew it again."

She has not had the type of awakening you seek (**OR she believes she has, and that's why she left**)

She seems to believe that losing you is alright b/c her needs went unmet for so long, that marriage to you means the same thing as that. She knows she had an OM before and even that didn't wake you up for long.

And so, regardless of an OM, SHE thinks you cannot change and thus, she made the "Right" choice to leave.

NOW...and in the near future...

She wants a relationship with you as, at least, good co-parents.

She MAY also harbor self doubt about her choice to leave.

She MAY wonder if you are changing for real, and she MAY care if you are.

Mozz, I don't think ANY Woman leaving a h and child(ten) could have zero 2nd thoughts.

Absent abuse, every single mother is going to wonder if she's doing right by her kids, by leaving. (MORE ON THIS, LATER)



I think you fear that she believes or fears the following:

that if she were to come home to you, it would require way too much work on her end, and only or mostly on HER end, for her to be able to do it and maintain self respect. = Too much shame would be heaped on her.

Sort of "well life with Mozz wasn't great anyhow, and now he'll make me pay for ever wanting out, so no thanks."

AND OR

'Mozz will hold the A over my head forever and or throw it in my face every time he gets angry, so 'no thanks'. Why bother trying if he's setting me up to fail?"

WHEREAS YOU WISH she'd come to wonder or believe that

"Wow, Mozz is a changed man. He's a really good father. He is now the way I always wanted him to be. He's now truly the man I thought he was when I married him...

wow I wonder if we could make it work, this time...

what if I'm willing to own my part and prove my commitment to him?

What would that look like? "

That^^ is what you wish for, correct?

Because if it is, then we can advise you best that way.

Let us know.