Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

Hello Sandi and toots.

Yes I see going dark may be the wrong term in my case. So going dim.

I'm just going by this from Wonka...

1) No more talks (like the latest text exchange)
2) No more responding to texts UNLESS it involves S11
3) When you have S11, W must respect your time and not blow up your phone
4) When W has S11, get out of the house and do something for you
5) Join Meet Up groups
6) Put a stop to W using S11's phone to get through to you immediately when she does it
7) Focus on logistics on S11 related matters only
8) Be cordial when responding to W's texts or emails..short and on topic

That's all I'm focusing on doing. I know I'll be doing this for many months.

What DB Coach Chuck suggested was to do more... to engage her more as she likes to talk. To allow some friendship to come back as she seems to want. To listen to her emotions and mirror them.

I just don't know if this is the time to allow that. With her call yesterday, I could have engaged more as she did want to talk. The last time I called her and she talked a lot about S12 saying he was depressed... she said it meant a lot to her to talk and hoped we could keep doing it.

I think Sandi that your post here says it best...

I believe when a couple separates, there needs to be a period of time where they should avoid contact with each other. It is so easy to trigger something during a quick exchange, texting, etc. They need that space from each other to regroup and calm down where they feel a bit more balanced in their emotional equilibrium.

This is why I do not agree with the idea of getting all buddy-buddy. How could it be genuine? IMO, she needs to know he is not happy about what she has done to the family, and frankly, he is not interested in being her friend. He is done! That is the only message that will cause her to rethink her actions.

The WAW and LBH should be civil, and that is all, during this adjustment period. Otherwise, the LBH will be putting all this unnecessary pressure on himself......just like HP is doing now. He should not be concerned now she feels about him GAL. It is ludicrous! He left that stuff behind him......or should have.

My problem may be... despite my anger or maybe b/c of it... she knows I'm not done. I understand only time and me really letting go could change that. With these contacts... how do I show that I've let go?

In any case... I just want to settle into a consistent approach and just keep doing it to reduce the drama and get out of her way.