No Mza, that is not an unreasonable question to ask will coolness and detachment drive away a spouse. I ask it of myself daily, when H is picking at an open wound and making it bleed. The coolness and detachment seems to attract but passiveness, aggression and petulant silence surely will drive H away. He knows there has to be space for love and new shoots of an R, to entice him to bridge the gap in his own soul. Otherwise his shame on realisation of his behaviour will drive him away.

I have my boundaries which are very basic
1. I will be treated with respect and if not my boundary is enforced
2. I will sleep alone rather than with a drunk, and I will not condone alcohol to excess in my home
3. H will pay his share of the daily bills
4. I can go GAL, go to GAManon, have my friends in my home without rudeness or criticism
5. The SO in my life will not be R with another
6. I am financial independent because of gambling


In return
1. H can continue to share a house until we sell and then that will be reconsidered
2. I will continue to love respect and care for H even if no R
3. I will attend to my house and work
4. H can do as he pleases without any explanation
5. I will be pleasant, civil and respond to H concerns, texts and emails, get medicine, soup etc when H is 'ill'
6. I will stand for my M, but R is a joint decision and requires two fully active parties, in growth forever
7. I will detach and remain calm living one day at a time

That is how I live my life, imperfectly, sometimes in pain and hurt, sometimes I am irritable and unhappy, but that is my concern not for H. I have worked hard for those feelings, they are mine and I own them. They are personal to me to work on. As is my DB and the things these wonderful lads and lasses here discuss with me.

Mza, I have never developed as a person as much in my life. I am sure this process is the same for all. You too will have your boundaries and list of self that you are prepared to give.


Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/12/15 06:09 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW