Card29 IX - New Year, New Card

[Card29]

I just don't know if I really want to reconcile my M. I'm trying to sort through my desires, dreams, emotions, etc. I know I don't want to do what I would have tended to do in the past. Here are reasons that I would have wanted to work on the M in the past, for which I do not want to make that decision going forward:

- Fear of an unknown future outside of M
- Fear of hurting WAW
- Fear of hurting D2 (I believe we would be good co-parents. We already are, and we could get better.)
- Not wanting anyone else to "have" WAW

I'm also starting to get physical/intimacy withdrawals. It's not even so much the zero sex that I've had in 7 months as it is the lack of intimacy (hand holding, hugging, kissing, intimate conversations). I think that's what drove me to sit on the couch next to WAW last night. I definitely don't want that emotion to be what drives me towards trying to R and M, because I know they won't last. If I make that decision, I want it to be because deep down it's what I really want. And right now I don't know if that's what I really want.

I'm no longer thinking of starting a new R right now.